Hello Sarylou

Resolutions

2012-01-02T14:09:00.000-08:00

So, I've been thinking about New Years Resolutions. And thinking about if I wanted to make any...

Sure, I want to be skinnier (obviously after I have the baby... right now doesn't count), I'd love to always have a perfectly clean house, it would be fun to actually complete the photo a day (project 365) thing, have perfect children (cuz I get to say CHILDREN soon!), have a perfect marriage with a perfect life... and anything else I could think of.

Well... it's just not going to happen. I don't want to make any goals that I might not get to and I don't want to overwhelm myself with things on a list that I want to make happen but it is just too much to take on.

Honestly, I don't know what having 2 kids is going to be like (never done that before!). I know it will be A LOT different than just 1. But I know I can do it. So that being said... I want to work on being more patient this year. I think I can do that. I want to. And I need to.

I also don't want to make unrealistic expectations for a "perfect birth" because chances are... it isn't going to happen. I don't even know what labor feels like. I don't know if I will want to be touched, or if I will want to be left alone. I don't know if I will love or hate the water. I don't know if I will be crabby, weepy, loud, or quiet. I have no idea. So I know I can't really plan for it. I have lots of ideas and Tony and I are working together so that he can suggest things to me... because I'm sure I will forget everything when the time comes. Sure, I'd love to imagine me giving birth in the tub, pulling my baby up to my chest and holding her. I've never seen a brand new baby fresh out of mommy before. I'd love for that to happen, but... it might not. So... my goal for birth is to have the baby come out vaginally. In the end, that is what I want. That is what I need. I want my birth to be calm (as in nobody trying to scare me) and I want it to be able to be a healing experience.

I hope I lose weight as fast as I did with Abby. And I would love to lose the extra I gained before I got pregnant this time. But, I am not going to have a weight goal. I am just going to eat healthier and get back into shape. It will be good for my whole family. If I cook healthier food, my whole family would benefit. If I'm happier because I am eating better food and exercising, I'm pretty sure my family will benefit from that too. ;)

I would like to also keep up with the cleaning and organization of the house. I have a little routine/schedule that helps me get everything done in 1 week because I just do a couple rooms a day or whatever and it still leaves me time in the day for our fun things like playgroup, preschool, lunch dates, shopping, etc... I'll change how I do things when we move downstairs, but I will keep a system... for my sanity. :) And I know I will need to... because going from 1 kid to 2 kids is going to make life crazier.

I'm not going to commit to anything that requires me to have to do something every day. I mean, there are things I will always do every day, but little things that don't matter... like the Project 365 thing that I tried. It just got to be too much for me. Dumb, I know, but it did! And although that would have been totally cool to have and look back on... I just have to remind myself that I need to concentrate on the things that matter the most. And I have to pick and choose the dorky fun things to do. So, I much rather keep up my blogs! ;)

That's about it I guess. Nothing very exciting and I know it would be more fun to just say that I will be skinny and in shape, the most patient person ever, with the cleanest house that always smells delicious, and have the most perfect meals every day, be the perfect friend, perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect sister, perfect daughter, etc... All that would be nice... but it just doesn't work like that. I would love for it to be like that though, so what I am going to do is work on that this year. I know I won't become the perfect person in 1 year (or ever), but I know I can try a little bit harder. I can try to be a better person this year. A better wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend.

Families

2011-12-12T11:34:00.000-08:00

I recently did 2 family photo shoots. They were both fun and both easy to photograph. I photographed the first family in St. Mary's City and the second at their home. enjoy!

The sun wasn't actually helping us out too much, but then we found this barn! And it was awesome!

She will be a big sister in April :)

And I think she needs to teach Abby a thing or two...

And since she was so good, we let her take some goofy pictures too. :)

Onto the next family...

Getting 3 little kiddos to all be looking decent is definitely a challenge.

And again with the sun... but we really wanted to get the kids up on the playset. :)

Forget Me Not

2011-09-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

"Never forget that you must be patient and compassionate with yourselves, that some sacrifices are better than others, that you need not wait for a golden ticket to be happy. Please never forget that the 'why' of the gospel of Jesus Christ will inspire and uplift you. And never forget that your Heavenly Father knows, loves and cherishes you."--Pres. Uchtdorf

Decisions, Decisions

2011-09-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

So I've been deciding between a hospital birth and a home birth. I've been weighing the pros and cons. I've been praying. I've been researching. I'm pretty sure I know what I want. Ok, I KNOW what I want. And I was just reassured in my decision yesterday. I have been talking to a woman from ICAN and we attended her VBAC 101 class. She's been very helpful and it is nice that I have so many different people to talk about birth with! Because, well, I am pretty passionate about it. If you couldn't tell. ;)

I got an email from Barbara (the ICAN lady) saying that a volunteer had called and talked to each hospital in Maryland to get an update on their VBAC policies. She called as a Doula or Mother. Barbara called a few back (including St. Mary's) as ICAN. I asked for her to give me the hospital info for St. Mary's just to see what they said, because I had also been emailed an updated VBAC and Cesarean rate chart from 2010. The number of VBACs at the hospital went down (they didn't even have a number... less than 20) and the Cesarean rate went up a few points. :( Here is the info I got from the hospital:

Aug. 2011: Staff person who took the call said VBACs allowed, but there is a hospital protocol. All OBs there do them. Continuous monitoring and IV req’d-wireless available and movement allowed. No inductions, no food, “basically you have to be ready to have a c-section.” Never seen a VBA2Cs there, “no one in the medical field would do that.”

Update Sept. 2011: Called charge nurse as ICAN and she checked hospital policy and it doesn’t prohibit VBA2C. She said due to fear of lawsuits the OBs are probably more likely to allow VBA2C to the local Amish population since they are less likely to sue. She allowed me to email her the ACOG VBAC guidelines from 7/2010 as well as the Landon Study.

So yes, they allow them, but gosh it doesn't feel natural to go there to do it. I'll have to be hooked up with wires and tubes the entire time and I can't eat! What if I'm there for a really long time?! We learned in our Bradley class that it is fine, and actually good, to eat during labor. HELLO... ENERGY!!!! And I don't like the, "basically you have to be ready to have a c-section" line. No, I don't want to go into labor ready to have a section. I want to go into labor and birth my child. I don't want things held over my head the entire time I am in labor. I don't want that stress. I want it to be calm. I want to do what I want! And I don't want people to be bugging me the entire time because they are afraid my uterus will explode. It won't. I'm going to be fine. And I am going to birth my child. With a midwife. And my husband. And a friend. And Abby will get to come see her when I want her to. On my time. And it will be amazing. :) Don't worry, I'm aware that something can always happen during labor--I'm not delusional. But I am also not going to live in fear of having an exploding uterus. It doesn't happen like that. My scar has held tight for 3 years. Pretty sure I have a good seal there.

I'm over the fact that some people won't approve of what I'm doing. It isn't their choice. And I'm not broadcasting it to the world. Ok, technically I am because I am blogging about it, but not very many people read this anyways. :)

Bradley classes are going great. Sometimes things are funny and awkward as we practice, but I know it will all come in handy when the real thing hits. I am so excited! I can't wait to give birth! I can't wait to have another child! And I can't wait for Abby to meet her baby sister! It is going to be awesome!

Support

2011-08-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

I got to meet with a friend and fellow birth hippie yesterday ;) We talked for a couple hours. Ok, we talked, we laughed, and we cried. It was great. She is awesome. It is awesome to know I have support from people. People who understand, or who view things the way I do. It is nice to be in a positive environment. I won't go over the details of everything because it gets pretty personal, but she helped me feel good about what I want. She is also a VBACer and was so encouraging to me! It is really nice to have such great support and some wonderful people around me.

She shared two sayings with me and told me that I need to hang them up somewhere I go often (most likely the bathroom... being pregnant and all! ;) ha!) and I want to share them:

"I focus on what I want, rather than what I fear"

"I deserve a healthy, natural birth"

Those 2 things I need to engrave in my mind. It will help me heal... and help me forgive myself. And heck, I DO deserve a healthy, natural birth! ;)

Now, if only February would just hurry up and get here! LET'S DO THIS! ;)

I admit it...

2011-08-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

I've become what I never thought I would be. I used to think these women were crazy and ridiculous. But I am now one of them...

Hello, my name is Sarah, and I am a birth hippie. :)

I think it has pretty much everything to do with my birth experience with Abby. Everything. And yes, I will now step onto my soap box... :)

I'm one of those csection mommas who is scarred (literally... ha!) from my birth experience. Seriously, it was traumatic for me. I remember the pain. The mental and physical pain. Both got better with time. It is true, the pain fades, but the experience doesn't disappear--it's always part of you. Or as an African Proverb says, "The axe forgets; the tree remembers". And I will always have that scar on my belly. I didn't know a lot of things before I had Abby. I knew I didn't want a csection. I wanted to push my baby out. Because that is how women are supposed to have babies. I felt like less of a woman. I even had a friend ask me how the birth went and when I told her I ended up with a "section" she just said, "Oh..." As in to say, "you wuss." Boo…

The mental recovery was, and still is, the hardest part. I honestly feel that I was robbed. I didn't give birth. Yes, I have had a child. But, she was surgically taken out of me. So, I have never really experienced labor, never gotten to 10cm (don’t know if I ever got to a 5!), never pushed, and never seen my kid fresh out of me and had that relief that I am sure every mother has when she first delivers her baby. The first time I saw Abby was on the screen on my digital camera. I could hear her crying, and I will hold on to that memory forever. I never got to see the umbilical cord or the placenta (don't worry, I don't want to eat it or anything). Call me crazy, but I want to see all of that! Abby didn't even have any cord left on her belly button! They clipped it off so close to her so I didn't even see a cord nub! And she didn't get to nurse right away. I didn't get to hold her until hours later. And I don't know how many hours because I was busy having bad reactions to everything and I was out of it...

I vaguely remember her first few hours, or, the first few hours I got to be with her. I got to see her for maybe a minute after she was born, and I couldn't touch her because I was pretty much paralyzed (remember I don't handle medicine very well) then she was whisked away for all of those newborn tests. Tony went with her, and I was alone. I missed the first couple hours of her life. I didn't get to try to nurse her until hours later. I have no clue if she was content or if she was crying. I barely remember first holding her. I was so drugged up and out of it. I don't remember much of the first time I nursed her either. But we did get that to work. I look back now and realize I should have been put on medication for depression. I was depressed. And it took a long time to heal from it. I hogged Abby after that first night. I didn't want anyone else to do anything with her. I wanted to do it all alone. I couldn't let her out of my sight. Looking back on all of that, I wonder if it was guilt or something from missing the first few hours of her life? I don't know. I'll never understand. But it lasted for a long time. I wouldn't let anyone watch her. I was glad I nursed because I was the only one who could feed her. Seriously, it was that bad.

Now, about the scar… I was lucky enough to just be glued shut (GLUED shut?!) so no staple hole scars for me, but I was one of the "lucky" ones to have a scar that is over 7 inches long. Yes, SEVEN inches LONG! Other women have a scar about the length of their pointer finger. Luuuckyyyy. I don't know if it was because they had to get her out of there pretty quick because it became an emergency when they couldn't find her heartbeat... or if that is just the way my doctor did it. Well, he wasn't MY doctor. He was the doctor on call who came in my room 30 minutes before I got rolled to the ER. And he never even came to check on me when I was recovering. Weird, right? Although, I guess my midwife came in to check on me and take the horrible tape off of my belly. She was really mad at how much tape they put on me. And it was extremely painful when she took it off. I didn't even want to look when she took it off. I'm not sure when I first looked. I hate being drugged up.

So, I am a believer in unmedicated, natural birth (no inductions because you are "done" with being pregnant...), home birth--yes, I said it! Now, obviously I think it is much safer if you have a midwife there with you who knows what she is doing, water birth (oh, how I would LOVE to do that!), Doulas, Midwives, The Bradley Method, and really just trusting your body and knowing that child birth is a very natural thing. Shoot, I don't even see anything wrong with a breech birth if the doctor is trained. Twins? Birth em!

Call me crazy… but writing about it like this, it is kind of like therapy for me. It helps me to write it all down. And Dr. Tilley told me that I better do my homework on this and not to come walking in the hospital in labor asking how I can have a VBAC. I’m just being obedient! ;) I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t go to the hospital that night? I wonder if everything would have been ok? And I wonder what things would be like now. I wonder if I would have had a strong opinion of birth if it had just “worked” for me the first time. I wish I had been around people I knew (we were in 3 places in PA from when we found out we were preggo to when we had her) so I never got to talk birth with anyone. I didn’t have a friend who was a “hippie”. I wish I had. I wonder if I would have listened though?

But I guess until the beginning of February, everyone will be reading about VBACs. So, if you don’t want to hear about it for the next 6 months… I’d just stay clear of this blog! ;) And hopefully after that, I will write all about my VBAC. And I will write every little detail. I love detailed birth stories. Not in a creepy way, but birth really is amazing. And I want a chance at it. I want to PUSH my kid out.

I wish I could spout out all of things things I have been reading. All of the statistics, all of the risks, but that would take a long time. One of the biggest shocks was that the uterine rupture rate is the SAME as the rate (percentage... chance...??) of having a miscarriage from an amniocentesis! So why is a VBAC such a big deal? Why do some women have to labor in the parking lot of the hospital, only going in when they are crowning so that there is no chance of being forced into a section?

And why don't the doctors go over the risks of a csection? And the greater risks of having repeat sections?! After just 1 section your chances of infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, placenta previa, accreta (which is really bad) go up. And it only increases with each section you have. Oh, and you have twice the chance of dying... Now can you see why I don't want another surgery? I want a big family. I want to be alive to raise my family. And I want to birth a child. I want that rush you get when your baby comes out. And I am determined to have things my way. And I'm determined to make people aware of all of this. I don't want other women to have to go through what I did.

I realize that I complain and talk about this a lot, but I feel it is important for everyone to know. And that a lot of women hide the hurt. They smile because they think that is what everyone expects them to do (I know I did). They do have a healthy baby after all. And everyone is alive. But most of those people have no idea what it is like. How confusing it is. One minute you are pregnant and rushed into a chaotic room, the next you can't feel anything, feel a ton of pressure and then there is a crying kid in the room all of the sudden. You didn't do any of the work... can that really be your baby? I know some women don't feel attached to their child at first. I started sobbing when I heard Abby's cry. It was more of a relief that she was alive, that she was breathing, but I didn't feel excited. It was scary and I was still worried. I hadn't even seen her. I didn't have a face to go with the cry. I loved her though. No denying that. But I came across this piece of artwork on a website and thought I needed to share it. It has everything to do with what I just wrote... Oh, and just a note, her smile is representative of the scar.

The title of this is: Smile, "you have a healthy baby!"

PS...can you tell I've been reading a book about births? The book, PUSHED, is really good. :)

Joshua

2011-07-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

I got to photograph a cute little boy named Joshua. It was my first referral, which was exciting! And it was too bad it happened when my "all day sickness" was at its worst, but we got some cute ones.

And who doesn't like cute baby buns?!

Heravi Family

2011-07-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

I'm really slow at posting this. Like a month or so late! But I figured I would still post these. :) I loved the kids outfits! And, if you look carefully, you can tell there was a bad storm rolling in. It was a short shoot, and we just beat the storm!

Everett

2011-05-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY finished all of his pictures. I was so excited to do this shoot because I was going to get to use my froggy hat that a friend made for me! Everett was an excellent sleeper at first. Except when I tried to touch him, he didn't want anything to do with that... Enjoy!

My favorite:

The guys all have the middle name Alvin. I loved that they had this shirt for Everett.

This is kind of how Everett felt about everything...

Not to Offend Anyone, but...

2011-05-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

I thought this was HILARIOUS!

I know, I know... go ahead and say it is inappropriate, but if you look at it that way, then it is true! Just sayin'...

Up On the Soapbox

2011-04-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

Yup... it is that time again. April is Cesarean Awareness Month! While a lot of people don't care... I do. Anyone who has ever talked to me about my birth experience or how I now view birth, knows how important this is to me. What it partly comes down to is... I want my next baby to come out the way that it is supposed to! I have dreamed about it since I was a little girl! I used to shove a baby doll up my shirt and have a pretend delivery. I've always been obsessed with babies and birth. And now that I look back, I don't know why I was so stupid and trusting of the doctors I had. Why the heck did I even go to the hospital that night... it wasn't really quite time yet (oh yeah... first time mom excited to meet her baby...) and why did I let them admit me when I was 5 cm dilated, but my contractions had COMPLETELY stopped?! (oh yeah... I just wanted to meet my baby...) And why... oh WHY did I let them break my water?! And talk me into going ahead and getting my epidural... even though I was in NO. PAIN. AT. ALL. Let's not even talk about them starting me on pitocin like it was something natural to do...*sigh* I hadn't really been prepared. I didn't even get to take a childbirth class because they were all full. I didn't know anything about the Bradley Method, or that you don't have to be a crazy tree hugger to give birth without meds! ;) I really honestly had no clue. And now, I wish I had known.

If you ever plan on having kids... educate yourself! It isn't just a simple thing where you get pregnant, you go to the hospital, pop your baby out and live happily ever after. (ok, maybe there are a few...) but so much can go wrong! ESPECIALLY if things don't go naturally. DO watch The Business of Being Born. Read birth books, talk to other people, hire a doula, use a midwife if you can, make sure your doctor is REALLY on board (ask for their cesarean rate if you want!), and take a good birthing class (like the Bradley Method). Oh yeah, and make sure you have a support system--family and friends. Make sure your hubby feels the same way you do, because I'm pretty sure it would be really hard to do alone...

When I get pregnant again I will re-watch The Business of Being Born, talk to my friends who have had a VBAC and/or a non medicated birth, take the Bradley Class, and hire a Doula. No options for a midwife down here! :( AND... you better believe I will fight the OB's rules for VBAC. I'm sorry, but being about 5'0 should NOT exclude me from giving birth to a child. What a load of bull.

Besides just wanting my baby to come out the "right" and natural way, I want that whole experience. Remember me and the doll story? Well... I've always wanted to have my baby and then have the baby put on my chest. Then we would get a family picture. And you know, if all I get next time is the baby coming out of the right place, that is more than good enough for me! Because I want to give birth the safer way. And more often than not, a VBAC is much more safe. And I want a lot of kids. I want at least 4. That is a lot of slicing open if you ask me... And I want to be able to take care of a newborn baby AND Abby after I have another baby. I don't want to be recovering from a MAJOR SURGERY. I want to be able to move and I really, really, really want that experience. Yes... I am one of those csection mommas who feels like I really did miss out on something when I had Abby. No, I do not love Abby any less, never have, but I hated my birth experience. Yes, they are completely different. I nursed Abby like I planned and I loved it. In fact, it was the ONLY thing (besides getting a baby) that I got my way.

Anyways, I could go on for DAYS about this, but I won't. :) But I will leave you with this little fact:
In 2009, 32.9% of Births Resulted In Major Abdominal Surgery; 13th Consecutive Year to Show Increase. I read that on ICAN's website. Sad. Sad. Sad.

So here's to my VBAC journey... whenever I get to begin it... (yes, I'm whining now...) Here's to giving birth to a child, the natural way... And here's to trying to have patience to begin this journey... And being patient at the end so I can get what I want.

A Good One...

2011-03-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

A friend let me borrow a book that helped her through a situation much like mine. It was awesome. I loved it. And I love this quote from it:

"In all adversity, there are lessons to be learned which can strengthen and enhance our lives, if we can only overcome the initial pain."

Maybe I like it so much because it applies to me right now. But it really does apply to everyone. Everyone has struggles, hard times, adversity. It sucks, but we DO learn from them and we are made better people through them.

I know now that I can help another woman through something like this. Even though every situation is different, I know what it feels like. I know the pain, the hurt, the anger, the mess of emotions that you will become. Nobody knows better than somebody who has been through it. And when you go through something like this, you need friends. People to tell you that you aren't crazy. That you will feel normal again someday. That it is ok to cry--it helps you heal. And that when you feel like you are over it, your world may come crashing down on you again. Random things may set you off. Things completely unrelated. But if you have supportive (and patient) family and friends... it helps. Some days you won't even think about it much. Other days you will be sad for no reason.

Anyways, I know I can now help on a different level if a friend ever goes through this. Not that you have to have this happen to qualify to help (not all my friends have), but I will know how she feels. I will cry right along with her. I'll hug her and tell her... I know. Because, unfortunately, I do know. And sometimes not much more needs to be said then just that... or a hug.

So these are the lessons I have learned: A deeper level of understanding to those who have lost a baby. A new appreciation for exactly how much of a blessing and miracle children are. Compassion. It takes time to heal. And that it is ok to cry. And that writing and talking about how I feel really does help... even though I feel bad for a few friends who have seen me be emotional for the past... 2 months?? But I guess if I were in their shoes, I would totally be ok with them crying. Especially since I now know what it is like.

But don't worry... I'm not going off the deep end in a depression or anything. It just took me a while to realize that I am still healing... and that it is ok to still be healing.

Brooklyn

2011-03-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

FINALLY! I am posting pictures of this cute little newborn! She was 2 weeks old at her shoot, and still smaller than Abby was at birth! ;) Brooklyn was precious and cooperated well, except for the sleeping part... ;) I'd say we still got some really cute pictures though! Enjoy!

Here's her collage:

I love getting to take pictures of babies. I learn something new every time in both taking the pictures and editing them. It is fun. And I never mind having a baby around me! ;)

TAGGED

2011-03-11T08:09:00.000-08:00

I decided to do the tag on this blog... because I just blogged my other blog to death! ;)

Tag, I'm It!

I was tagged by Mom. This is a 4x4 blog meme that reveals some little facts about me! It will be great fun getting to know my blogging buddies better. So check at the bottom and if you're tagged, copy and paste this into your blog and insert your four favs in each of the four subject.

1st - Four places I go:

-Church
-Target
-Library
-Playgroup

2nd - Four favorite smells:

-Babies!
-Tony... well, only sometimes! ;) But his jacket still has the smell from when I first knew I liked him. It brings back memories! Is that weird?! lol
-Food... you know, stuff baking... dinner or dessert! :)
-Freshly cleaned laundry... oh! And new cars!

3rd - Four favorite TV shows and/or movies

-Baby shows...
-American Idol
-I used to love Discovery Health... but now that it is OWN, it isn't as good... boo. But I also like this show called I shouldn't be alive...
-The Office
Shoot... I just noticed it could have been movies... but really, I think it would be hard to choose.

4th - Four recommendations

-Treat others the way you want to be treated
-Remember who you are (mom used to ALWAYS tell us that before we left the house... especially when we were teenagers... totally annoying, but we loved it!)
-Love your family and friends, no matter what
-Be happy. At least try to be. Because it could probably be worse. :)

Tag: umm Actually I should have thought about that first. I don't know who reads this blog... so I will name 4 people who I don't think have been tagged yet... Bethany, Finessa, Angela, and Erin.... or whoever else wants to do this that hasn't yet!

For Real This Time

2011-03-02T11:57:00.000-08:00

Sadly, that last post really wasn't that happy... I guess I shouldn't blog when I'm not having a good day! Today I am, so I figured I would get a happy post on here. :)

I'm not really sure what I am going to write... but whatever it is, it WILL BE happy! :) Because I AM happy. :)

Ok, got it... What makes me HAPPY?

Music...I've been listening to a lot of music lately. Thanks to Pandora I can get any kind of music I want! And yesterday I dropped Abby off at a friends house so I could take pictures of a cute cute newborn! She was two weeks old and had red hair! I wanted to eat her up. She was tiny. She is smaller than Abby was when Abby was born.... HAHA! I think I will be cursed with beastly babies (thanks Tony). I guess beastly wasn't exactly nice, but you get what I mean... BIG! Anyways, onto my point... after I dropped Abby off I turned the radio on and listened to "big girl" music! I love that! :) It's the little things I tell ya!

Pictures... I love pictures. Good ones, bad ones... I just love them! Is that weird?! I love to look back and reminisce. It is fun. And taking pictures makes me happy. Even though I didn't take a single picture during playgroup today! (UGH!)

Friends. What a difference it makes when you have friends. I love all of my friends. I even love all of my facebook friends (wow, I just sounded really lame there...). Because it has allowed me to keep in contact with friends I've made around the world... in all my stages of life. When I was younger, whenever we moved, my friends and I would exchange addresses. Not email addresses, because nobody had those! Snail Mail addresses. GOOD GRIEF! I am OLD! Seriously, when did I get that old? I'm starting the "back in my day" stories! HA! Anyways, we would exchange addresses and write letters and send pictures to each other. Because over the 3 years I lived somewhere I made friends, and moving somewhere new was a little scary, but I always had my old friends. But over time, I lost contact with some friends. I lost them, literally. There was no shooting an email to get their new address. But I found quite a few on facebook and it was fun to see where we had ended up! And I also love the cyber mom friends I have. Yes, I have cyber mom friends that I have never met, but know well. Totally weird, I know. But you could compare it to a modern day pen pal... right?! ;) They are awesome though! And I really love my real life friends. Because, it is really important to have real life friendships too. Not that my old friends and cyber friends aren't real, but actual person to person interaction is important. I think... And although Tony is my best friend, it is totally WAY nice to have girl friends too! Because I want to do girl stuff too! :) (Wow... talk about the worlds longest paragraph!)

Family. Tony and Abby are two of the most important people in my life. And I am definitely HAPPY they are with me. :) And my family. They are pretty cool people. They make me happy. I love the humor we all have. It makes me happy. :) And Tony's family. They make me happy. And I am happy we live near both of our parents. I didn't have my grandparents around growing up. So this is all new to me. :) And I am happy that Tony has gotten back in contact with his father. And I am happy I am going to get to meet him and that he is going to meet his granddaughter. And the fact that he lives in Hawaii is a major perk! ;) Well... fun wise... not necessarily financial wise! ;) But that is ok. It is all totally worth it. Money IS just paper.

My Beliefs. Because without that, I think life would be A LOT harder. Speaking of which... I hope I get to see Bro. Mason again someday. He was an awesome man. He was one of those people who, when he smiled at you, you felt like he just gave you a hug and told you that he loved you. He married Tony and I. And actually, Zane is on our boy name list. We think it is a cute name, and it doesn't hurt that such a great man had that name too.

Nap Time. Yup! LOVE IT! :)

Photoshop/Aperture. Those two programs make my life easier! ;)

And speaking of which... I've got to work on the pictures I took yesterday! I'll probably post a few on here when I'm done!

So there you have it. A happy post! :)

In the Moment

2011-02-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

So, I am sick of seeing a depressing post as the first post on this blog. I need to change it. Because really, I like to be positive and happy. Let's just say trials suck, waiting sucks, and losses REALLY suck. BUT! I am also very blessed. And I don't want anybody (if anybody even reads this blog) to think I am a really dramatic person. I'm usually not. Certain things just hurt and everyone handles those things differently. And for the record... that post was actually written 2 days after it happened. I just left it hanging in my posts... waiting to see if I would ever do anything with it. It just felt good to write it down. Then I just added the last bit. I wanted to remember how I felt right when it happened because if I had written that post the day I posted it, it would have been a lot different. Because I didn't hurt the same way. I had had a few weeks to heal.

I'm not saying I'm better now though... because I still have good days and bad days, BUT I'm trying to be more positive. I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to see the big picture. I'm trying to live in the moment and be happy with what I have right now. Because I love what I have right now. I don't feel complete, but I feel blessed with what I have right now. So I am trying to roll with that. :) Trust me, it doesn't always work, but it works more than it doesn't. :)

So I want to end on a positive note. I have a great husband, a really great daughter, a great family, and great friends. Each one of them helps me in different ways. And I love them all for that.

"Time heals what reason cannot"

2011-02-22T13:33:00.000-08:00

A month ago I had a miscarriage. I know... what am I doing posting about this?! There is some unwritten rule about keeping it a secret when you are trying for a baby... or when you first get pregnant... or when you have a miscarriage. Well, I suck at keeping those secrets when it is about me.

I didn't know if I would ever publish it to my blog... and I decided I would only post it on this blog... and not include all of the details. I just wanted to remember how I felt when it happened. For me. It helped me to talk about it. It helped me to write it all down. I know miscarriages are common, not fair (not fair at all)... but they are common. That doesn't make it any easier though. It still hurts... a lot. And you go through a lot of emotions: fear, anger, disappointment, self blame... But you also really understand the blessing of having a child. Because when you lose one... or the chance of having one, it makes the child you already have and the children you hope to have someday that much more special.

After I found out I was pregnant I was nothing but happy. I was so excited to get to be a mom again. And I didn't really think about the fact that something could still happen... although it did start to cross my mind the week that it happened. I've had a couple friends have miscarriages... and I was thinking that I was just starting to be paranoid. So I brushed it off, until I started bleeding... and then I panicked. And I knew right then, that it was all over...

I didn't know what to do other than cry. I knew my baby was gone... and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I was scared. I couldn't believe it. One minute I was pregnant, the next I wasn't. It was a horrible feeling. The most helpless feeling. I felt like I failed the baby, but I also knew it wasn't my fault... I was devastated and all I could do was cry. I was mad. I was sad. And I was really disappointed... because I want another kid SO. BAD.

When I was getting some tests done at the hospital I asked if they could tell me what they saw. The tech said that only a doctor could tell me. Ugh... I just wanted her to tell me what I knew... because I knew she knew too... And when I finally got the answer, even though I already knew it, it hurt all over again hearing it...

My baby was gone. I couldn't believe that a few weeks ago I had been so excited that I was FINALLY pregnant. Abby was finally going to be a big sister and have a sibling. But not anymore. I was right back where I started... only worse. I tried to think of it as just being another negative pregnancy test, but it didn't come close to feeling like that. Because I DID get a positive test and I WAS pregnant.

I was a mess, but I had the support of my family and the support of some good friends. Not that they could do anything. Not that they needed to do anything. It was just nice to know they were there.

Then... it turned out that after the physical reminder of the miscarriage was gone, it got harder for some reason... I think it was because I now had to deal with it emotionally. I was dealing with it emotionally for the first week, believe me... I cried a lot. But now the physical signs of it were over... and I was left with nothing but my emotions. Distractions helped. A lot. I tried to get out as much as possible and tried to keep myself busy. Being around people helped stop me from becoming depressed. It is just a horrible feeling to have lost something you wanted so badly. Something you get attached to and love before it is ever really anything...

I know you are given what you can handle... I never thought I could handle this. And I'm not saying I handled it well either... because there were A. LOT. of tears. BUT I made it through and I am grateful it happened when it did. Early on. I can't imagine the mess I would be if it were later...

And I know soon (hopefully really soon) I won't feel like this anymore. I know it will get easier, it already is. I know we can have babies. I have a beautiful little girl to prove that. And like a friend told me: Things will happen the way you want them to. Maybe not in the time you want them to, but it will happen.

So now I wait. And hopefully I don't have to wait long. :)

Thankful

2011-01-05T11:06:00.000-08:00

I really do slack on this blog, but that is ok... I don't think anyone really reads it anyways! :) But today... I was thinking of things I am thankful for... yeah, I know this sounds like a classic Thanksgiving Day post, but I can still be thankful in January too! :) Just thought I would list a few things:

I'm thankful for:

-Netflix on our PS3. Tony and I have a date almost every night after Abby goes to bed! ;) We got hooked on Prison Break (loved it!) and now we are watching Heros (also love it!). Nothing better than cuddling with Tony and watching a TV show with NO commercials and no waiting a week between new episodes! ;)

-Pandora. I LOVE Pandora Radio! Tony has been talking about it for a while, because he drives a lot and uses music to get him through the day :) I finally started using is yesterday and it is AWESOME! I can make different stations for whatever kind of music I want to listen too! It pretty much rocks....

-Being a Stay at Home Mom. I'm very grateful for this. I think I would be pretty depressed if I didn't get to be with her all day and teach her everything. I am glad I don't have to miss all of the boo boos and triumphs of Abby's life. I'm glad I don't have to share her much. And I'm glad I get to play with her all of the time. So that leads me to:

-Tony. I am thankful that he is my best friend. I'm thankful he was patient with me while I didn't realize that I really did like him! ;) I'm grateful that he has always done everything he can to help support us and he has always made it possible for me to be a Stay at Home Mom, like I have always wanted.

-My Parents.... because without them, I have no idea where we would be living. Some gross apartment with us BOTH working while we found someone to watch Abby. And I would have had to miss out on a lot of stuff with Abby.

-my iMac. I no longer have to get close to my 12" screen to see anything! Photoshop is SO much easier with a bigger screen! :) And... I didn't want to end on a terribly mushy note! ;)

So there ya go. A new blog post on my poor deprived blog. :)

YAY!

2010-10-28T06:38:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine just had a VBAC! I am SO excited for her! She gives me so much hope. I really hope to be announcing my VBAC one day! She had some great midwives and a lot of great support. I hope I can find all that I need down here in St. Mary's County... :) In the meantime, I'm so proud of my friend... YOU GO GIRL!

What kind of mom am I?

2010-10-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

I'm that mom.

The mom who is really attached to her kid.

The mom that doesn't mind always having her kid with her.

The mom who is stingy with her kid and doesn't share too often.

I'm the mom who, when I drop her off at her Auntie's house, gets a little sad that I am going to run errands without my kid.

The mom who checks on her kid several times before I go to bed to make sure she is ok.

The mom who is perfectly fine with nursing a kid over 1 year old.

The mom who still uses a monitor at night, even though her kid is 2 and in a toddler bed.

The mom who refuses to let her baby "cry it out" when I know I can fix it. (And my kid ended up sleeping through the night by herself without that method.)

The mom who loves to play with her kid, even if it means the dishes have to wait.

The mom who lets her kid help her with everything, even though it takes twice as long and makes twice the mess.

The mom who doesn't care if I have a mini van or an SUV one day, as long as it works.

The mom who's "break" consists of a shower or doing the dishes alone and that is a good enough break for me.

The mom who doesn't mind listening to kiddie music in the car, or watching kiddie shows.

The mom who can't imagine life without her kid.

I'm attached.

I'm that mom.

And I like it that way.

Izzy is 5!

2010-07-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

I did a shoot of my niece who is turning 5. It was a fun one. She loves to dress up so we decided that we would do an inside dress-up shoot! :)

After I got the shots I wanted I let her choose some poses or her own. Here are a few:

She wanted to use the block as a headstone... lol

Gotta love 5 year olds! :)

Just have to say YAY!!!

2010-07-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

I got an email from a contact I have about VBACs and such about what The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) released. They updated their practice guidelines for vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC)! It is great news!!

"ACOG states that VBAC is a safe and reasonable option for most women, including some women with multiple previous cesareans, twins, and unknown uterine scars. ACOG also states that respect for patient autonomy requires that even if an institution does not offer trial of labor after cesarean (TOLAC), a cesarean cannot be forced nor can care be denied if a woman declines a repeat cesarean during labor."--from ICAN

WOOT WOOT!

Frankie

2010-05-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

I recently did a shoot with a cute little baby named Frankie. We were going to take newborn pictures of her, but it turned out to be almost 2 month pictures, but that's ok, because you can see her personality coming out now! We even caught some smiles! Such a cute little girl, I hope I have another girl someday! :) ummm and there will be a picture overload here! ;)

Pete & Charlie

2010-04-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

Aren't they just the cutest? They just turned 3 and 1. I LOVED the matching polos!

Don't you just want a little boy now?

CAM

2010-04-07T06:41:00.000-07:00

It is Cesarean Awareness Month again! Last year I blogged about my experience and how I felt, etc. This year I want to say that I am not as bitter about my experience anymore. Well, I still hate that it happened, but I am getting over it. I have faith that I will get a chance at a normal birth next time. I have a friend who knows a doula (which if we can afford, I would LOVE to have). My friend also knows where I can take a Bradley Method birthing class to help prepare me for a non medicated birth.

I was NEVER one of those people who wanted to have a non medicated birth, trust me. But, since I believe getting the epidural caused all of the problems, I am not going to have anything next time. NOT something I wanted to do, but I rather do that then be cut open again. No. Thank. You.

Of course if there is a ridiculously good reason that I need to I will. BUT there shouldn't be if I let things naturally happen. I have faith in my body and the baby (well, when I get pregnant again). :)

There was recently a conference about VBACs with the National Institute of Health. Here is something they said:
“The final statement from the NIH concludes that a VBAC is a reasonable option for most women. Over 75% of women who attempt VBAC will be successful.” says Desirre Andrews, ICAN President. “Currently less than 10% of women who have had previous cesareans deliver vaginally in subsequent pregnancies, leading to significant and preventable illness and death.”

YAY!

And in talking about hospitals that have VBAC bans and forcing women to have a repeat c section, just because, they said:
"It was acknowledged, however, by many expert presenters that forcing a pregnant woman to undergo an unwanted surgery is medically indefensible, unethical and immoral."

Here is a chart they show about the rise in Csections and the decline in VBACs:

Wow. That is all I can say...

Just have to say it again...they concluded that "Given the available evidence, TOL(Trial of Labor) is a reasonable option for many pregnant women with a prior low transverse uterine incision." Woohoo! :)

Here is the link to the article. I think everyone should stay informed about this subject (ok, I guess just women who have had Csections... women who have had vag. births aren't going to care) :)

Curtis

2010-04-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

My quickest photo shoot EVER!

Curtis was a great sport, but by the end he was SO ready to eat. He had his baby blessing at church that day and I just went to their house after church to take some quick pictures.

3 generations

Priceless

2010-04-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

Nothing like going to Old Navy (I never go there) and coming home with a BUNCH of clothes for 90 bucks!

4 polos for me (it was $5 polo day)
1 Long Sleeved Shirt
2 shorts
1 pair of pants
1 skirt (which they didn't take half off the clearance price like they SHOULD have... so it should have only been 85 bucks I spent today)
1 polo for Tony
7 polos for Abby (some 2T some 3T)

Oh, and the priceless thing: Abby spitting out black olive on the floor while we were checking out...

*sigh*

I cleaned it up, don't worry. :)

Riley

2010-03-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

I have a bunch of friends having babies... way to make me baby hungry huh? :) Well, three of them are having their babies around the same time (2 have already had their babies). We even had a triple shower. I gave them all a coupon for a newborn photo shoot. Well, here are a few of my faves from my shoot with Riley! SO CUTE! But let me tell you, have paper towels and wipes ready if you are shooting naked babies! Shooting as in taking pictures of... :)

Hypocrisy!

2010-03-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine came across this blog post. People are so stupid about some things... especially breastfeeding. I think BFing is great and not offensive. I don't care if I see someone out in public nursing their child. I think it is OFFENSIVE when I see women, or GIRLS even, wearing clothes where their boobs are hanging out all over the place. THAT is sexual and offensive. BFing is NOT. Hypocrites! Go to any other country and it is common place to see someone nursing their child, FEEDING their child, out in public.

My opinion. And I know I sound like some BFing advocate or something, but I love it. I enjoyed BFing for as long as I did. I loved the cost: FREE! I love the special bond I have with my little girl. I loved when she looked up into my eyes as she nursed. I loved NEVER having to clean a bottle. I loved chatting with other nursing moms. Etc. Etc.

I have a huge problem with people who have a problem with nursing. Get over it.

Anyways, here is the link again to the blog post.
http://eclecticeffervescence.blogspot.com/2010/03/offense.html
**There is some language in the post**

I'm sure the people who decide which pictures are "offensive" on Facebook are guys. PIGS!

Thought I Should Share

2010-03-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

After seeing this from one of my mommy friends I went straight up and threw some of Abby's bath toys away! Squirty toys are IMPOSSIBLE to get all the way dry. And she had a rubber duck that had some water in it, that you CAN'T get out. SICK! Straight to the trash. She has got one WITHOUT a hole now! :)

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

YAY Finally!

2010-02-06T11:43:00.000-08:00

I FINALLY got my photography website up and running!

Here it is!

Neglect

2010-01-18T10:50:00.000-08:00

That is what this blog has felt! I haven't posted in almost 3 months! Ill start posting again soon! :)

Aina Photography--Your Moments, Your Memories...

2009-10-21T18:17:00.000-07:00

I am starting a photography business. I've talked about it, FINALLY chose a name, and now I am going to start! :)

I am currently working on my website and expanding my portfolio (right now I just have 2 kids in it--Izzy and Abby). I am going to concentrate on Maternity and Babies/Kids, but will also do Families!

Anyways, more details and a website to come! :) For now, you know the name and here are a few logos I have come up with... I want to keep it simple so I can easily change the colors and rearrange things.

Who knows... I may change it again! :)

HA!

2009-10-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

Help with a name

2009-09-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about (ok, really I really want to!) starting a little photography business and have been thinking about names. I think I have it narrowed down to 2. Opinions are welcome!

-Through the Lens
-Moments 2 Memories/Moments to Memories

Once I decide I will make some kind of logo on Photoshop. I've started working on both, but want to decide on one name so I can devote my time to just 1 name! :)

THANKFUL THURSDAY

2009-08-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

Whoops... late AGAIN! Maybe I will start something else after this week... Anyways, here is what I'm thankful for this week:

-We got approved for a Southwest credit card (now we can pay off the stupid apartment in PA that we haven't lived in since March!)

-My shower time... time alone, just me, and a much needed break!

-Abby's bottom molars finally poked through!!! teeth 9 and 10!!!

THANKFUL THURSDAY

2009-08-21T16:08:00.000-07:00

A day late...

-We don't have to pay our medical debt! Now in turn, it is because we are really poor right now, but still a good thing huh?!

-Our family walks/rides--we take Abby out after dinner every night and either go for a walk, bike ride, or even just play in the yard.

-Abby's snack cabinet--she loves to play in there and it keeps her busy when I'm trying to do something.

THANKFUL THURSDAY

2009-08-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot and am late on this, but last week I was thankful for:

-Abby getting much better with food--and less picky too!

-We got a paycheck!!!

-Swimming pools--they feel so yummy, they are fun, pass the time when you are having a long day, and you always feel refreshed when you get out! :)

THANKFUL THURSDAY

2009-08-06T05:53:00.000-07:00

-Tony got a job!

-Nap Time

-Baby laughs and giggles :)

THANKFUL THURSDAY

2009-07-30T06:38:00.001-07:00

Ok... so I knew this would keep me updating the blog! :) What am I thankful for this week?

-Chocolate

-Abby's back to normal sleeping pattern--going to bed between 8 and 9 and only waking once, if that, in the middle of the night! :) I don't mind her waking once at all.

-Being able to get our stuff out of storage in PA and bring them down to MD! :)

THANKFUL THURSDAY

2009-07-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm starting something new on this blog since I usually don't have too much to post--I usually just post on our FAMILY BLOG (especially about Abby!)

Anyways I thought this might be fun to do. Plus, it will keep me posting on this blog at least once a week! :) I call it Thankful Thursday, 'nuff said! :)

What am I thankful for today?

-My parents: for letting me, Tony and Abby move in with them until we can get back on our feet.
-Abby's cute face: some things wouldn't be as easy as they are if she wasn't so darn cute! ;)
-Dishwashers: they make washing dishes a breeze! AND Abby LOVES to play in the dishwasher... so I can load/unload the dishwasher and she will just play!

Note to Self

2009-07-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

Black Shirt + Snotty baby = a black shirt with snot trails all over it...

Not so bitter anymore

2009-06-23T19:38:00.000-07:00

An update: we've moved and the hospitals allow VBACs here. They are actually encouraged... who'da thunk?!?! :)

Boobs on the Beach

2009-05-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

So what is acceptable?!

Tony and I went down to the beach on the lake this weekend and it was very crowded (given the holiday and everything). We happened to walk by a woman breastfeeding her baby out in the open. Boob out and all. Baby was latched on so she wasn't exposing EVERYTHING, plus she wasn't right where everyone was. We only walked past her because we wanted to get away from all the drunk people acting like idiots... Is there anything wrong with her doing that out in the open? I don't think so, at all. Tony was kinda disgusted, but it may have been just because it was this certain woman who probably shouldn't have been wearing what she was. A whole different topic! ;)

So, I started to think... why are people disgusted to see women nursing, but are ok with girls wearing skanky clothes? At least nursing is natural and what humans are made to do. Yeah, we don't need to flaunt ourselves around topless everywhere, but how is it disgusting when you see a child latched on to it's mother and it isn't disgusting when a girl is barely covered in her swimsuit dancing and prancing around being a drunk idiot trying to get attention from guys? I, personally, am disgusted by that. I know part of it is how I believe in modesty and how I was brought up, but I don't see why people don't get disgusted when girls wear really revealing clothes and then get upset when a drunk guy tries to do something to them. DUH! You are asking for it!

I dunno, I could go off on many tangents here, but I don't find anything wrong with a woman nursing in public uncovered. And besides it being the natural human thing to do, I live in a REALLY HOT part of Arizona where it is over 100 all this week. I think that is a little hot to be covering a baby up to nurse. And two, I can't even cover Abby to nurse her; she won't nurse if I cover her up.

So here is a nice quote I have found that I completely agree with, "Anyone offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard."

Our "Policy"

2009-05-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

I am REALLY MAD at Kingman Regional Medical Center. I called them yesterday because I was going to see if they knew of any doctors that perform VBACs at their hospital and the lady I spoke with said they don't do them?!?! I was like, I heard you did them (I talked to someone in that same maternity ward 2 months ago). She said, we just changed our policy. But Flagstaff, Vegas, and Phoenix have some hospitals that do. She was ready to get off the phone and I said that people down here said that you guys did them. She said we used to, but we changed our policy. (GRRR!) She then said that only hospitals with 24/7 access to operating rooms can perform VBACs--as if a VBAC is a big ordeal like surgery or something. I was livid and didn't want to get emotional so I just said ok, thankyou Bye.

Ok... now tell me how any of this makes sense: Only hospitals that have 24/7 access to an OR can do VBACs?!?! So you are telling me that if I had been at your hospital when I was in labor with Abby I couldn't have gotten the emergency csection I needed because you don't have an OR available?!?! If you don't have an OR available for someone trying for a VBAC (who will most likely NOT NEED THE OR) then you are telling me that you aren't equipped to do emergency csections. RIGHT?! Doesn't that only make sense?! This is a bunch of bull. They just don't want to deal with any law suits if someone looses their baby or if they have a uterine rupture.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE... did they not know that if you are having a VBAC that it can be done really safely?! I mean, come on! You already know that something COULD happen so they monitor you and can watch for that so if something happens they can fix it. Well, don't they know that NO MATTER WHAT something could happen to anyone?! And they aren't constantly monitoring people who have never had a csection. Anyone can have a uterine rupture, placental abruption, the list goes on... so why, when they are more than ready for things to happen is it any more dangerous than something suddenly happening to someone and they aren't expecting it?! I just don't get it.

Anyways, I hate the health care system, health insurance and stupid people who are sue happy who ruin things for other people. For now there is nothing I can do about it--I'm not even pregnant. But, if we are still here when I am pregnant again you better believe I will do something about it. They can't make me sign the consent forms for a csection and by law a hospital has to treat any woman in active labor. SO HA!

Tony had the idea that we could just this: If they want to FORCE me to have a csection and get all of their money that they want (because they make big bucks slicing women open) we only give them the money it would have cost to have a normal birth. That's all they would have normally made. We DON'T WANT the csection. But because you can make a better buck doing a repeat csection and you know I would be in and out of there in 20 minutes, you rather not hassle with giving me what I want. Jerks...

ATTACK!

2009-05-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

Really, that's how I feel. Last night we went to a church activity and I literally got attacked by mosquitoes! I don't know how Abby is ok, but I have about 50 bites on my face, back, arms, legs and feet! Seriously, I think it is 48 total. It is ridiculous! I didn't think we had mosquitoes here?! I'm glad it was me with all the bites and not Abby though. Just thought I would whine. :)

And yes, I had bug spray on! GRRRR!

Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam!

2009-04-26T23:18:00.001-07:00

Well, for the sunbeam's teacher! For those of you that have no clue what I'm talking about that means that I'm teaching the 3 and 4 year olds at church. Yay for me :)

Dork in the Mirror

2009-04-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

I thought this was funny... maybe I was just really tired though... lol

Get Out of My Head!

2009-04-15T14:53:00.001-07:00

No matter what I do, where I go, anything... I can't get these kids songs out of my head! :) All day I am singing to Abby. It's some weird habit that I have started. Even when I am talking to her sometimes I turn it into a song. Lately I have had a few specific songs COMPLETELY stuck in my mind. They are those all-too-catchy songs that start to haunt you after a while like:

Hinges: a classic Primary song that turned into Abby's comfort song for some ODD reason?! Ever since she was little. If she starts getting upset, especially when I am driving, I start singing that song and she--about 98% of the time will stop crying and just listen! WEIRDO!

Playmate: It WAS a new favorite of mine because I heard someone sing that song to Abby and just HAD to know what it was (it is SO catchy and cute!) Well, I found the words and Abby likes it... a lot... so after about the 30 millionth time of singing it, it isn't my favorite anymore. It's just stuck in my head...

Down by the bay: My mom got me and Abby some kid cd's for us to listen to. Which I am VERY grateful for. Abby smiles and giggles when she hears them. Lately I can sing Abby to sleep with this song!?! Last night I sang through it enough to mention a lot of animals doing weird things to Grannies shakin' their fannies...down by the bay!

Through The Eyes of a Mom

2009-04-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

Things I've learned from being one:

-Nothing is more important than taking care of your kid; the world can wait.

-Sometimes they just need Mommy and that makes it all better--enjoy it while it lasts.

-There isn't a wrong or right way to parent; just do it your way.

-If you've never had a kid before don't act like you know everything about having them.

-Your "mommy instinct" is what you should listen to over anything else.

-You will break "the rules"--Abby is a tummy sleeper :-O

-If your baby is happy, you are doing ok.

-Never compare your kid with anyone else; they do things when they want to and all wind up at the same level eventually.

-Your life completely changes once you have a baby, whether you like it or not.

-You will wonder what your purpose was in life before you had a baby.

-Your kid will be the cutest kid out there

-You WILL want to spoil them

-You will learn to let certain things go

-I guarantee you won't do everything you said you would do "when you have a baby"

-You learn to wear drool, spit up, snot and baby food very well.

-You learn to plan your day around their feedings and naps...

-Toys with sound and lights distract them for longer

-Your ideal "you" time consists of sleeping, showering and eating a hot meal

-You actually worry about what the world is like

And I just had to share this because I love it and it's SO true. A friend sent me this in an email--10 Things No One Tells You About Parenthood. I'll just share number 8 because I love it! :)

"8) You won’t be the parent you think
We all had visions of the kind of parents we would be to our kids. Now, as battle tested Moms and Dads, we’ve heard the prospective parents spouting off advice. Those hollow words of wisdom come even though they’ve never gotten up at three a.m. to do a load of laundry with more vomit on it than a frat house floor. Nor have they tried to cook dinner with a screaming baby in their arms, a toddler doing cartwheels off the couch, and the phone ringing. It usually goes something like this: “I’d never let my kids watch TV before they turn three,” or “I would never raise my voice at my child,” or “My toddler won’t ever eat sweets.” Uh huh, and I said I’d never own a minivan. You have this great picture of the kind of parent you want to be, and how picturesque your family will become. You try to live up to that vision, but you also have to survive. So, snickering at a prospective parent spouting off advice is not only allowed, but encouraged."

CAM

2009-04-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

April is Cesarean Awareness Month (CAM). Most of you know that I had to have a C section with Abby. I went into labor on my own and got admitted to the hospital at about 5 cm dilated. Everyone thought things would go very smoothly. The nurses told me to go ahead and get the Epi since I was already 5 cm and planned on getting it. I think this was mistake number 1, but oh well. I know for next time. Here is the story from that point on:

After I got me Epi my blood pressure dropped and I almost lost consciousness. They gave me some meds and brought me back. Sometime after that I got my water broken and pitocin because my labor randomly stopped... Abby's heart rate began to climb--into the 190's. They couldn't figure out if it was the meds they had to give me or if it was the pitocin. The stopped the pitocin, but Abby's hr didn't change. The gave me 30 minutes to be ready to push or else they would give me a c section. Looking back, I had no hope, my labor had stopped. They came back in and I hadn't made any changes. The doc mentioned C section and went to get the consent forms. I tried to keep it together because Tony wasn't there and I don't like to cry in front of people anyways (Tony had gone for some much needed food because at first we didn't think anything was going wrong). I had my mind set on my ideal birth--Having a natural (vaginal) birth, Tony cutting the cord, the baby being placed on my belly, getting a first family photo and then getting to breastfeed her. *sigh*

The doc came back with the forms and I just kind of signed them. He may have said something to me, but I didn't hear him. I was petrified and triyng to hold it together. I absolutely lost it though and started sobbing--for many reasons. I was not happy about surgery, terrified because Tony hadn't returned yet and didn't even know, upset that I wasn't going to have the birth I wanted and disappointed I had to have a c section--which I did NOT want.

Tony finally came back in after what seemed like forever and was alarmed to see me sobbing and got some scrubs thrown at him. I sobbed to the nurse about wanting a VBAC already and how many c sections am I allowed. She said I would be fine and I tried to be happy I was going to see my little girl very soon. So I said, "At least I won't poop on the table". The nurse laughed.

I was wheeled down the hall, blubbering, and Tony was calming me saying I had done my best, but our little girl was in danger. They made Tony stay outside of the OR for the first bit and I freaked of course. But it was a mad house when I got in there. People waiting for Abby, people to perform the surgery, nurses, pain med doc, you name it. A nurse came over and tried to find Abby's heart rate with that little tummy doppler thing and she couldn't find a hb. I became a little freaked then. She said that the heart rate must be too high for the monitor to pick up. So I knew it was serious. My little girl either had no heart beat or it was going incredibly too fast. The pain med doc then came over and was the sweetest older man. He whispered everything calmly to me and that was a comfort in the chaos that was going on around me. He whispered that he was giving me the new meds so that I wouldn't feel a thing. It worked quickly and the numbness creeped up my body. I guess I started breathing fast, unknowingly, and he whispered that it may begin to feel like I'm not breathing, but that I am breathing fine and not to worry. So naturally, I worried and felt like I wasn't breathing. He calmed me down and I began to ignore that when he asked if I could feel anything. Feel what? The pain med doc told me that the doctor was pinching me very hard. I couldn't feel anything, let alone MOVE. I was pretty much paralyzed from my neck down. So then I heard the doctor say they were beginning to cut. WAIT! Tony isn't in here! So I begin to freak out again and demand they let Tony in. I needed him. They didn't respond to me, but a nurse came over and kindly told me that they would get him.

Tony came in and tried to calm me down. I was a huge mess. They said that I would begin to feel a lot of pressure, but I was fine. Talk about A LOT of pressure. I felt it all the way up to my throat. It felt like the doctors climbed inside of me and were stretching out across my whole body (on the inside). It wasn't exactly painful, but it definitely was NOT comfortable. They said her head was out, but I didn't hear her cry. I began to get scared. Then a few seconds later I hear this mucusy cry that I will never forget. She was out, they announced it was a girl and that was it! Was she ok? I could only assume so because she was crying?! But then--I COULDN'T SWALLOW! I felt like I was choking and I couldn't breathe. I flipped out and a nurse came to help me. She said this was a normal reaction (ok... none of what was happening to me was normal!) and that I would be ok. She got a washcloth for me to spit in. So, when my mouth became full of spit (because I couldn't swallow), the nurse would bring over the washcloth and I would spit on it. How lovely. I demanded that Tony go see our baby girl and take pictures. As soon as they let him, he went. He was gone FOREVER (or so it felt) and here I was spitting into a rag and trying my hardest to swallow. I tried so hard, but couldn't, but then it didn't matter. Tony brought the camera over and I saw my baby girl, for the first time... on a camera. Of course she was cute, but had the swollen newborn look. I wanted to touch her I wanted to see all of her little body parts, but I was stuck frozen to this bed looking at a camera while spitting on a rag!

Finally Tony got to bring her over. She was perfectly healthy and fine once she was out. I got to kiss her, but couldn't touch her because I couldn't move. A nurse took our first family photo because it was something I wanted. They put her foot prints in her baby book and we probably took about 100 pictures right there. So, it was over, I had my little girl now. She and Tony went to the nursery. We hadn't named her yet, but I was pretty sure she was an Abby. I knew when I saw her that she definitely wasn't a Lily. So now I was alone in the OR again spitting in a rag. They sewed me up while having a lovely conversation amongst themselves and I was laying there choking on my own spit. FINALLY I was able to swallow and my world brightened up! I announced it proudly to the whole OR and a few of them said "good". I was really sleepy after that and the ride from the OR to the recovery place is kinda blurry. I remember she told me to hold my belly a few times over some bumps. I didn't feel sore though.

Here is our first family photo...

From Abigail Hi'ilani Aina

I recovered for a while and was able to move my arms and feel stuff in my legs. Tony came to see me and show me more pictures of our daughter. I was totally jealous of him, but at least she wasn't alone. I made him leave so he wouldn't miss her 1st bath. I was rolled into my room sometime after that and got to hold Abby when Tony brought her in the room. I don't really remember details though. It is all blurry. A nurse came in and helped me try to breastfeed Abby (finally), but that is all a big blur too.

The first night I was so drugged up Abby slept in the nursery and I didn't put up a fight. After that though I wouldn't let her out of my sight. I became protective of her. I couldn't let her cry, I would cry when they had to take her to the nursery for her daily check and I was still so disappointed I had to have a c section. I didn't want it. I never wanted it.

I recovered well from the c section, but had to lay propped up for a long time. I was never uncomfortable breastfeeding her though and she ate like a pro. The nurses joked about how well she was breastfeeding. I had that. I was able to breastfeed. That was the 1 thing that went my way. So I wasn't going to give that up. It was very painful for a while, but I fought through it because it was my 1 thing. The 1 thing I got that I controlled and it was working.

I had the baby blues or you may even say post partum depression for about 2 weeks after. I never resented Abby though. I was very overwhelmed and I didn't know why I ever wanted a baby. I loved Abby and felt bonded to her, I just felt like I couldn't do it. I couldn't take care of her, I couldn't do anything right. Then after I cried to Tony about feeling like that I would cry even harder apologizing to Abby and telling her I loved her and I didn't really mean those things. It was a very rough 2 weeks. I was feeling better after that and was having fun being a mom. I'm glad I was able to pull it together on my own, but it was tough.

That's about it. Almost 7 months later I am LOVING being a mom, but my birth story still haunts me. I regret going to the hospital that night. I wished I had waited for the Epi and I wished I had gone home once my labor stopped. But, you can't go back in time and you just have to get over things sometimes. I'm working on it. I know people reading this are probably thinking "but you have a healthy baby, that is all that matters" I KNOW, but you probably had a vaginal birth. If you have never gone through a very UNWATED c section that was pretty traumatic, then you really can't tell me how I should feel. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but it was really hard on me and I didn't want that to happen to me. I probably would have been fine if I didn't get any medication. I NEVER thought of not getting the Epi, but when I got for number 2 I think I will be thinking about going med free. I don't want to, but I don't want to have another c section even more.

So here starts my journey: having a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I've had a couple friends who have had successful VBACs and it helps motivate me more. I just have to find a doctor who will support me. It's much easier for a doctor to go ahead and plan that c section. Write it on their little calendar for their convenience, but what about me?! I want the experience of having a baby the way I want to. Everything doesn't have to be perfect, I just want one the "normal" way. I've already started looking at options. Lake Havasu City is a pretty small area. I've called the 3 area hospitals and 2 of the 3 won't support VBACs. So if I have one we will have to drive the hour up to Kingman. Kingman said they will let me have a VBAC if I can find a doctor who is willing to do it. This will probably be even harder to find, but I am determined. This is important to me.

I've been looking for midwives, but they are hard to find here. Vegas and Phoenix have a ton, but they are 2 and 3 hours away. They also have more hospitals that support VBACs. So anyways, I know other people have had it worse than me. They have been pretty much forced into having a c section for no real reason. I know there was a reason I needed one and yes, I do have a happy and healthy baby. But I just want to have that experience too. I KNOW it hurts, I KNOW it's not fun or anything, but how many of you guys that have had a natural (vaginal) birth can say that you liked the experience. You got to see your baby right away, hold them, touch them, feed them. I got to see a blue curtain. I guess the reason I feel so strongly about this is that so many people get c sections that aren't necessary. And then we are forced to have a second one because the doctor is afraid of lawsuits. I don't want to be forced into surgery. I don't want that recovery! I want to find someone to support me in my decision to have a VBAC and it is going to be hard. Nobody wants to support that. It is too "dangerous" Blah, blah blah. Surgery is dangerous too and it weakens your uterus each time they slice you open. So there. That's how I feel, that's what happened to me and now you know what I'm going to try to do. Call me crazy, but it is important to me.

Note to Self

2009-03-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

NEVER wear a navy blue shirt and khaki pants to Walmart...

I officially have NO life

2009-03-28T21:23:00.000-07:00

So I decided to make a second blog (see title) that will just be about me or just dorky things I want to write about and share. I'm sure my other one will be more fun, seeing as it will have all the Abby pictures on it still! ;) Oh well, this is just a place for me to ramble about... ME and whatever else I want to! :)