In the Moment

So, I am sick of seeing a depressing post as the first post on this blog. I need to change it. Because really, I like to be positive and happy. Let's just say trials suck, waiting sucks, and losses REALLY suck. BUT! I am also very blessed. And I don't want anybody (if anybody even reads this blog) to think I am a really dramatic person. I'm usually not. Certain things just hurt and everyone handles those things differently. And for the record... that post was actually written 2 days after it happened. I just left it hanging in my posts... waiting to see if I would ever do anything with it. It just felt good to write it down. Then I just added the last bit. I wanted to remember how I felt right when it happened because if I had written that post the day I posted it, it would have been a lot different. Because I didn't hurt the same way. I had had a few weeks to heal.

I'm not saying I'm better now though... because I still have good days and bad days, BUT I'm trying to be more positive. I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to see the big picture. I'm trying to live in the moment and be happy with what I have right now. Because I love what I have right now. I don't feel complete, but I feel blessed with what I have right now. So I am trying to roll with that. :) Trust me, it doesn't always work, but it works more than it doesn't. :)

So I want to end on a positive note. I have a great husband, a really great daughter, a great family, and great friends. Each one of them helps me in different ways. And I love them all for that.

"Time heals what reason cannot"

A month ago I had a miscarriage. I know... what am I doing posting about this?! There is some unwritten rule about keeping it a secret when you are trying for a baby... or when you first get pregnant... or when you have a miscarriage. Well, I suck at keeping those secrets when it is about me.

I didn't know if I would ever publish it to my blog... and I decided I would only post it on this blog... and not include all of the details. I just wanted to remember how I felt when it happened. For me. It helped me to talk about it. It helped me to write it all down. I know miscarriages are common, not fair (not fair at all)... but they are common. That doesn't make it any easier though. It still hurts... a lot. And you go through a lot of emotions: fear, anger, disappointment, self blame... But you also really understand the blessing of having a child. Because when you lose one... or the chance of having one, it makes the child you already have and the children you hope to have someday that much more special. 

After I found out I was pregnant I was nothing but happy. I was so excited to get to be a mom again. And I didn't really think about the fact that something could still happen... although it did start to cross my mind the week that it happened. I've had a couple friends have miscarriages... and I was thinking that I was just starting to be paranoid. So I brushed it off, until I started bleeding... and then I panicked. And I knew right then, that it was all over...

I didn't know what to do other than cry. I knew my baby was gone... and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I was scared. I couldn't believe it. One minute I was pregnant, the next I wasn't. It was a horrible feeling. The most helpless feeling. I felt like I failed the baby, but I also knew it wasn't my fault... I was devastated and all I could do was cry. I was mad. I was sad. And I was really disappointed... because I want another kid SO. BAD. 

When I was getting some tests done at the hospital I asked if they could tell me what they saw. The tech said that only a doctor could tell me. Ugh... I just wanted her to tell me what I knew... because I knew she knew too... And when I finally got the answer, even though I already knew it, it hurt all over again hearing it...

My baby was gone. I couldn't believe that a few weeks ago I had been so excited that I was FINALLY pregnant. Abby was finally going to be a big sister and have a sibling. But not anymore. I was right back where I started... only worse. I tried to think of it as just being another negative pregnancy test, but it didn't come close to feeling like that. Because I DID get a positive test and I WAS pregnant.

I was a mess, but I had the support of my family and the support of some good friends. Not that they could do anything. Not that they needed to do anything. It was just nice to know they were there.

Then... it turned out that after the physical reminder of the miscarriage was gone, it got harder for some reason... I think it was because I now had to deal with it emotionally. I was dealing with it emotionally for the first week, believe me... I cried a lot. But now the physical signs of it were over... and I was left with nothing but my emotions. Distractions helped. A lot. I tried to get out as much as possible and tried to keep myself busy. Being around people helped stop me from becoming depressed. It is just a horrible feeling to have lost something you wanted so badly. Something you get attached to and love before it is ever really anything...

I know you are given what you can handle... I never thought I could handle this. And I'm not saying I handled it well either... because there were A. LOT. of tears. BUT I made it through and I am grateful it happened when it did. Early on. I can't imagine the mess I would be if it were later...

And I know soon (hopefully really soon) I won't feel like this anymore. I know it will get easier, it already is. I know we can have babies. I have a beautiful little girl to prove that. And like a friend told me: Things will happen the way you want them to. Maybe not in the time you want them to, but it will happen.

So now I wait. And hopefully I don't have to wait long. :)

Thankful

I really do slack on this blog, but that is ok... I don't think anyone really reads it anyways! :) But today... I was thinking of things I am thankful for... yeah, I know this sounds like a classic Thanksgiving Day post, but I can still be thankful in January too! :) Just thought I would list a few things:

I'm thankful for:

-Netflix on our PS3. Tony and I have a date almost every night after Abby goes to bed! ;) We got hooked on Prison Break (loved it!) and now we are watching Heros (also love it!). Nothing better than cuddling with Tony and watching a TV show with NO commercials and no waiting a week between new episodes! ;)

-Pandora. I LOVE Pandora Radio! Tony has been talking about it for a while, because he drives a lot and uses music to get him through the day :) I finally started using is yesterday and it is AWESOME! I can make different stations for whatever kind of music I want to listen too! It pretty much rocks....

-Being a Stay at Home Mom. I'm very grateful for this. I think I would be pretty depressed if I didn't get to be with her all day and teach her everything. I am glad I don't have to miss all of the boo boos and triumphs of Abby's life. I'm glad I don't have to share her much. And I'm glad I get to play with her all of the time. So that leads me to:

-Tony. I am thankful that he is my best friend. I'm thankful he was patient with me while I didn't realize that I really did like him! ;) I'm grateful that he has always done everything he can to help support us and he has always made it possible for me to be a Stay at Home Mom, like I have always wanted.

-My Parents.... because without them, I have no idea where we would be living. Some gross apartment with us BOTH working while we found someone to watch Abby. And I would have had to miss out on a lot of stuff with Abby.

-my iMac. I no longer have to get close to my 12" screen to see anything! Photoshop is SO much easier with a bigger screen! :) And... I didn't want to end on a terribly mushy note! ;)

So there ya go. A new blog post on my poor deprived blog. :)

YAY!

A friend of mine just had a VBAC! I am SO excited for her! She gives me so much hope. I really hope to be announcing my VBAC one day! She had some great midwives and a lot of great support. I hope I can find all that I need down here in St. Mary's County... :) In the meantime, I'm so proud of my friend... YOU GO GIRL!

What kind of mom am I?

I'm that mom.

The mom who is really attached to her kid.

The mom that doesn't mind always having her kid with her.

The mom who is stingy with her kid and doesn't share too often.

I'm the mom who, when I drop her off at her Auntie's house, gets a little sad that I am going to run errands without my kid.

The mom who checks on her kid several times before I go to bed to make sure she is ok.

The mom who is perfectly fine with nursing a kid over 1 year old.

The mom who still uses a monitor at night, even though her kid is 2 and in a toddler bed.

The mom who refuses to let her baby "cry it out" when I know I can fix it. (And my kid ended up sleeping through the night by herself without that method.)

The mom who loves to play with her kid, even if it means the dishes have to wait.

The mom who lets her kid help her with everything, even though it takes twice as long and makes twice the mess.

The mom who doesn't care if I have a mini van or an SUV one day, as long as it works.

The mom who's "break" consists of a shower or doing the dishes alone and that is a good enough break for me.

The mom who doesn't mind listening to kiddie music in the car, or watching kiddie shows.

The mom who can't imagine life without her kid.

I'm attached.

I'm that mom.

And I like it that way.

Izzy is 5!

I did a shoot of my niece who is turning 5. It was a fun one. She loves to dress up so we decided that we would do an inside dress-up shoot! :)








After I got the shots I wanted I let her choose some poses or her own. Here are a few:

She wanted to use the block as a headstone... lol



Gotta love 5 year olds! :)

Just have to say YAY!!!

I got an email from a contact I have about VBACs and such about what The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) released. They updated their practice guidelines for vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC)! It is great news!!

"ACOG states that VBAC is a safe and reasonable option for most women, including some women with multiple previous cesareans, twins, and unknown uterine scars. ACOG also states that respect for patient autonomy requires that even if an institution does not offer trial of labor after cesarean (TOLAC), a cesarean cannot be forced nor can care be denied if a woman declines a repeat cesarean during labor."--from ICAN

WOOT WOOT!