A Good One...

A friend let me borrow a book that helped her through a situation much like mine. It was awesome. I loved it. And I love this quote from it:

"In all adversity, there are lessons to be learned which can strengthen and enhance our lives, if we can only overcome the initial pain."

Maybe I like it so much because it applies to me right now. But it really does apply to everyone. Everyone has struggles, hard times, adversity. It sucks, but we DO learn from them and we are made better people through them.

I know now that I can help another woman through something like this. Even though every situation is different, I know what it feels like. I know the pain, the hurt, the anger, the mess of emotions that you will become. Nobody knows better than somebody who has been through it. And when you go through something like this, you need friends. People to tell you that you aren't crazy. That you will feel normal again someday. That it is ok to cry--it helps you heal. And that when you feel like you are over it, your world may come crashing down on you again. Random things may set you off. Things completely unrelated. But if you have supportive (and patient) family and friends... it helps. Some days you won't even think about it much. Other days you will be sad for no reason.

Anyways, I know I can now help on a different level if a friend ever goes through this. Not that you have to have this happen to qualify to help (not all my friends have), but I will know how she feels. I will cry right along with her. I'll hug her and tell her... I know. Because, unfortunately, I do know. And sometimes not much more needs to be said then just that... or a hug.

So these are the lessons I have learned: A deeper level of understanding to those who have lost a baby. A new appreciation for exactly how much of a blessing and miracle children are. Compassion. It takes time to heal. And that it is ok to cry. And that writing and talking about how I feel really does help... even though I feel bad for a few friends who have seen me be emotional for the past... 2 months?? But I guess if I were in their shoes, I would totally be ok with them crying. Especially since I now know what it is like.

But don't worry... I'm not going off the deep end in a depression or anything. It just took me a while to realize that I am still healing... and that it is ok to still be healing.

Brooklyn

FINALLY! I am posting pictures of this cute little newborn! She was 2 weeks old at her shoot, and still smaller than Abby was at birth! ;) Brooklyn was precious and cooperated well, except for the sleeping part... ;) I'd say we still got some really cute pictures though! Enjoy!















Here's her collage:


I love getting to take pictures of babies. I learn something new every time in both taking the pictures and editing them. It is fun. And I never mind having a baby around me! ;)

TAGGED

I decided to do the tag on this blog... because I just blogged my other blog to death! ;)

Tag, I'm It!

I was tagged by Mom. This is a 4x4 blog meme that reveals some little facts about me! It will be great fun getting to know my blogging buddies better. So check at the bottom and if you're tagged, copy and paste this into your blog and insert your four favs in each of the four subject.


1st - Four places I go:

-Church
-Target
-Library
-Playgroup


2nd - Four favorite smells:

-Babies!
-Tony... well, only sometimes! ;) But his jacket still has the smell from when I first knew I liked him. It brings back memories! Is that weird?! lol
-Food... you know, stuff baking... dinner or dessert! :)
-Freshly cleaned laundry... oh! And new cars!

3rd - Four favorite TV shows and/or movies

-Baby shows...
-American Idol
-I used to love Discovery Health... but now that it is OWN, it isn't as good... boo. But I also like this show called I shouldn't be alive...
-The Office
Shoot... I just noticed it could have been movies... but really, I think it would be hard to choose.

4th - Four recommendations

-Treat others the way you want to be treated
-Remember who you are (mom used to ALWAYS tell us that before we left the house... especially when we were teenagers... totally annoying, but we loved it!)
-Love your family and friends, no matter what
-Be happy. At least try to be. Because it could probably be worse. :)

Tag: umm Actually I should have thought about that first. I don't know who reads this blog... so I will name 4 people who I don't think have been tagged yet... Bethany, Finessa, Angela, and Erin.... or whoever else wants to do this that hasn't yet!

For Real This Time

Sadly, that last post really wasn't that happy... I guess I shouldn't blog when I'm not having a good day! Today I am, so I figured I would get a happy post on here. :)

I'm not really sure what I am going to write... but whatever it is, it WILL BE happy! :) Because I AM happy. :)

Ok, got it... What makes me HAPPY?

Music...I've been listening to a lot of music lately. Thanks to Pandora I can get any kind of music I want! And yesterday I dropped Abby off at a friends house so I could take pictures of a cute cute newborn! She was two weeks old and had red hair! I wanted to eat her up. She was tiny. She is smaller than Abby was when Abby was born.... HAHA! I think I will be cursed with beastly babies (thanks Tony). I guess beastly wasn't exactly nice, but you get what I mean... BIG! Anyways, onto my point... after I dropped Abby off I turned the radio on and listened to "big girl" music! I love that! :) It's the little things I tell ya!

Pictures... I love pictures. Good ones, bad ones... I just love them! Is that weird?! I love to look back and reminisce. It is fun. And taking pictures makes me happy. Even though I didn't take a single picture during playgroup today! (UGH!)

Friends. What a difference it makes when you have friends. I love all of my friends. I even love all of my facebook friends (wow, I just sounded really lame there...). Because it has allowed me to keep in contact with friends I've made around the world... in all my stages of life. When I was younger, whenever we moved, my friends and I would exchange addresses. Not email addresses, because nobody had those! Snail Mail addresses. GOOD GRIEF! I am OLD! Seriously, when did I get that old? I'm starting the "back in my day" stories! HA! Anyways, we would exchange addresses and write letters and send pictures to each other. Because over the 3 years I lived somewhere I made friends, and moving somewhere new was a little scary, but I always had my old friends. But over time, I lost contact with some friends. I lost them, literally. There was no shooting an email to get their new address. But I found quite a few on facebook and it was fun to see where we had ended up! And I also love the cyber mom friends I have. Yes, I have cyber mom friends that I have never met, but know well. Totally weird, I know. But you could compare it to a modern day pen pal... right?! ;) They are awesome though! And I really love my real life friends. Because, it is really important to have real life friendships too. Not that my old friends and cyber friends aren't real, but actual person to person interaction is important. I think... And although Tony is my best friend, it is totally WAY nice to have girl friends too! Because I want to do girl stuff too! :) (Wow... talk about the worlds longest paragraph!)

Family. Tony and Abby are two of the most important people in my life. And I am definitely HAPPY they are with me. :) And my family. They are pretty cool people. They make me happy. I love the humor we all have. It makes me happy. :) And Tony's family. They make me happy. And I am happy we live near both of our parents. I didn't have my grandparents around growing up. So this is all new to me. :) And I am happy that Tony has gotten back in contact with his father. And I am happy I am going to get to meet him and that he is going to meet his granddaughter. And the fact that he lives in Hawaii is a major perk! ;) Well... fun wise... not necessarily financial wise! ;) But that is ok. It is all totally worth it. Money IS just paper.

My Beliefs. Because without that, I think life would be A LOT harder. Speaking of which... I hope I get to see Bro. Mason again someday. He was an awesome man. He was one of those people who, when he smiled at you, you felt like he just gave you a hug and told you that he loved you. He married Tony and I. And actually, Zane is on our boy name list. We think it is a cute name, and it doesn't hurt that such a great man had that name too.

Nap Time. Yup! LOVE IT! :)

Photoshop/Aperture. Those two programs make my life easier! ;)

And speaking of which... I've got to work on the pictures I took yesterday! I'll probably post a few on here when I'm done!

So there you have it. A happy post! :)

In the Moment

So, I am sick of seeing a depressing post as the first post on this blog. I need to change it. Because really, I like to be positive and happy. Let's just say trials suck, waiting sucks, and losses REALLY suck. BUT! I am also very blessed. And I don't want anybody (if anybody even reads this blog) to think I am a really dramatic person. I'm usually not. Certain things just hurt and everyone handles those things differently. And for the record... that post was actually written 2 days after it happened. I just left it hanging in my posts... waiting to see if I would ever do anything with it. It just felt good to write it down. Then I just added the last bit. I wanted to remember how I felt right when it happened because if I had written that post the day I posted it, it would have been a lot different. Because I didn't hurt the same way. I had had a few weeks to heal.

I'm not saying I'm better now though... because I still have good days and bad days, BUT I'm trying to be more positive. I'm trying to deal. I'm trying to see the big picture. I'm trying to live in the moment and be happy with what I have right now. Because I love what I have right now. I don't feel complete, but I feel blessed with what I have right now. So I am trying to roll with that. :) Trust me, it doesn't always work, but it works more than it doesn't. :)

So I want to end on a positive note. I have a great husband, a really great daughter, a great family, and great friends. Each one of them helps me in different ways. And I love them all for that.

"Time heals what reason cannot"

A month ago I had a miscarriage. I know... what am I doing posting about this?! There is some unwritten rule about keeping it a secret when you are trying for a baby... or when you first get pregnant... or when you have a miscarriage. Well, I suck at keeping those secrets when it is about me.

I didn't know if I would ever publish it to my blog... and I decided I would only post it on this blog... and not include all of the details. I just wanted to remember how I felt when it happened. For me. It helped me to talk about it. It helped me to write it all down. I know miscarriages are common, not fair (not fair at all)... but they are common. That doesn't make it any easier though. It still hurts... a lot. And you go through a lot of emotions: fear, anger, disappointment, self blame... But you also really understand the blessing of having a child. Because when you lose one... or the chance of having one, it makes the child you already have and the children you hope to have someday that much more special. 

After I found out I was pregnant I was nothing but happy. I was so excited to get to be a mom again. And I didn't really think about the fact that something could still happen... although it did start to cross my mind the week that it happened. I've had a couple friends have miscarriages... and I was thinking that I was just starting to be paranoid. So I brushed it off, until I started bleeding... and then I panicked. And I knew right then, that it was all over...

I didn't know what to do other than cry. I knew my baby was gone... and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I was scared. I couldn't believe it. One minute I was pregnant, the next I wasn't. It was a horrible feeling. The most helpless feeling. I felt like I failed the baby, but I also knew it wasn't my fault... I was devastated and all I could do was cry. I was mad. I was sad. And I was really disappointed... because I want another kid SO. BAD. 

When I was getting some tests done at the hospital I asked if they could tell me what they saw. The tech said that only a doctor could tell me. Ugh... I just wanted her to tell me what I knew... because I knew she knew too... And when I finally got the answer, even though I already knew it, it hurt all over again hearing it...

My baby was gone. I couldn't believe that a few weeks ago I had been so excited that I was FINALLY pregnant. Abby was finally going to be a big sister and have a sibling. But not anymore. I was right back where I started... only worse. I tried to think of it as just being another negative pregnancy test, but it didn't come close to feeling like that. Because I DID get a positive test and I WAS pregnant.

I was a mess, but I had the support of my family and the support of some good friends. Not that they could do anything. Not that they needed to do anything. It was just nice to know they were there.

Then... it turned out that after the physical reminder of the miscarriage was gone, it got harder for some reason... I think it was because I now had to deal with it emotionally. I was dealing with it emotionally for the first week, believe me... I cried a lot. But now the physical signs of it were over... and I was left with nothing but my emotions. Distractions helped. A lot. I tried to get out as much as possible and tried to keep myself busy. Being around people helped stop me from becoming depressed. It is just a horrible feeling to have lost something you wanted so badly. Something you get attached to and love before it is ever really anything...

I know you are given what you can handle... I never thought I could handle this. And I'm not saying I handled it well either... because there were A. LOT. of tears. BUT I made it through and I am grateful it happened when it did. Early on. I can't imagine the mess I would be if it were later...

And I know soon (hopefully really soon) I won't feel like this anymore. I know it will get easier, it already is. I know we can have babies. I have a beautiful little girl to prove that. And like a friend told me: Things will happen the way you want them to. Maybe not in the time you want them to, but it will happen.

So now I wait. And hopefully I don't have to wait long. :)

Thankful

I really do slack on this blog, but that is ok... I don't think anyone really reads it anyways! :) But today... I was thinking of things I am thankful for... yeah, I know this sounds like a classic Thanksgiving Day post, but I can still be thankful in January too! :) Just thought I would list a few things:

I'm thankful for:

-Netflix on our PS3. Tony and I have a date almost every night after Abby goes to bed! ;) We got hooked on Prison Break (loved it!) and now we are watching Heros (also love it!). Nothing better than cuddling with Tony and watching a TV show with NO commercials and no waiting a week between new episodes! ;)

-Pandora. I LOVE Pandora Radio! Tony has been talking about it for a while, because he drives a lot and uses music to get him through the day :) I finally started using is yesterday and it is AWESOME! I can make different stations for whatever kind of music I want to listen too! It pretty much rocks....

-Being a Stay at Home Mom. I'm very grateful for this. I think I would be pretty depressed if I didn't get to be with her all day and teach her everything. I am glad I don't have to miss all of the boo boos and triumphs of Abby's life. I'm glad I don't have to share her much. And I'm glad I get to play with her all of the time. So that leads me to:

-Tony. I am thankful that he is my best friend. I'm thankful he was patient with me while I didn't realize that I really did like him! ;) I'm grateful that he has always done everything he can to help support us and he has always made it possible for me to be a Stay at Home Mom, like I have always wanted.

-My Parents.... because without them, I have no idea where we would be living. Some gross apartment with us BOTH working while we found someone to watch Abby. And I would have had to miss out on a lot of stuff with Abby.

-my iMac. I no longer have to get close to my 12" screen to see anything! Photoshop is SO much easier with a bigger screen! :) And... I didn't want to end on a terribly mushy note! ;)

So there ya go. A new blog post on my poor deprived blog. :)