I got to meet with a friend and fellow birth hippie yesterday ;) We talked for a couple hours. Ok, we talked, we laughed, and we cried. It was great. She is awesome. It is awesome to know I have support from people. People who understand, or who view things the way I do. It is nice to be in a positive environment. I won't go over the details of everything because it gets pretty personal, but she helped me feel good about what I want. She is also a VBACer and was so encouraging to me! It is really nice to have such great support and some wonderful people around me.
She shared two sayings with me and told me that I need to hang them up somewhere I go often (most likely the bathroom... being pregnant and all! ;) ha!) and I want to share them:
"I focus on what I want, rather than what I fear"
"I deserve a healthy, natural birth"
Those 2 things I need to engrave in my mind. It will help me heal... and help me forgive myself. And heck, I DO deserve a healthy, natural birth! ;)
Now, if only February would just hurry up and get here! LET'S DO THIS! ;)
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I admit it...
I've become what I never thought I would be. I used to think these women were crazy and ridiculous. But I am now one of them...
Hello, my name is Sarah, and I am a birth hippie. :)
I think it has pretty much everything to do with my birth experience with Abby. Everything. And yes, I will now step onto my soap box... :)
I'm one of those csection mommas who is scarred (literally... ha!) from my birth experience. Seriously, it was traumatic for me. I remember the pain. The mental and physical pain. Both got better with time. It is true, the pain fades, but the experience doesn't disappear--it's always part of you. Or as an African Proverb says, "The axe forgets; the tree remembers". And I will always have that scar on my belly. I didn't know a lot of things before I had Abby. I knew I didn't want a csection. I wanted to push my baby out. Because that is how women are supposed to have babies. I felt like less of a woman. I even had a friend ask me how the birth went and when I told her I ended up with a "section" she just said, "Oh..." As in to say, "you wuss." Boo…
The mental recovery was, and still is, the hardest part. I honestly feel that I was robbed. I didn't give birth. Yes, I have had a child. But, she was surgically taken out of me. So, I have never really experienced labor, never gotten to 10cm (don’t know if I ever got to a 5!), never pushed, and never seen my kid fresh out of me and had that relief that I am sure every mother has when she first delivers her baby. The first time I saw Abby was on the screen on my digital camera. I could hear her crying, and I will hold on to that memory forever. I never got to see the umbilical cord or the placenta (don't worry, I don't want to eat it or anything). Call me crazy, but I want to see all of that! Abby didn't even have any cord left on her belly button! They clipped it off so close to her so I didn't even see a cord nub! And she didn't get to nurse right away. I didn't get to hold her until hours later. And I don't know how many hours because I was busy having bad reactions to everything and I was out of it...
I vaguely remember her first few hours, or, the first few hours I got to be with her. I got to see her for maybe a minute after she was born, and I couldn't touch her because I was pretty much paralyzed (remember I don't handle medicine very well) then she was whisked away for all of those newborn tests. Tony went with her, and I was alone. I missed the first couple hours of her life. I didn't get to try to nurse her until hours later. I have no clue if she was content or if she was crying. I barely remember first holding her. I was so drugged up and out of it. I don't remember much of the first time I nursed her either. But we did get that to work. I look back now and realize I should have been put on medication for depression. I was depressed. And it took a long time to heal from it. I hogged Abby after that first night. I didn't want anyone else to do anything with her. I wanted to do it all alone. I couldn't let her out of my sight. Looking back on all of that, I wonder if it was guilt or something from missing the first few hours of her life? I don't know. I'll never understand. But it lasted for a long time. I wouldn't let anyone watch her. I was glad I nursed because I was the only one who could feed her. Seriously, it was that bad.
Now, about the scar… I was lucky enough to just be glued shut (GLUED shut?!) so no staple hole scars for me, but I was one of the "lucky" ones to have a scar that is over 7 inches long. Yes, SEVEN inches LONG! Other women have a scar about the length of their pointer finger. Luuuckyyyy. I don't know if it was because they had to get her out of there pretty quick because it became an emergency when they couldn't find her heartbeat... or if that is just the way my doctor did it. Well, he wasn't MY doctor. He was the doctor on call who came in my room 30 minutes before I got rolled to the ER. And he never even came to check on me when I was recovering. Weird, right? Although, I guess my midwife came in to check on me and take the horrible tape off of my belly. She was really mad at how much tape they put on me. And it was extremely painful when she took it off. I didn't even want to look when she took it off. I'm not sure when I first looked. I hate being drugged up.
So, I am a believer in unmedicated, natural birth (no inductions because you are "done" with being pregnant...), home birth--yes, I said it! Now, obviously I think it is much safer if you have a midwife there with you who knows what she is doing, water birth (oh, how I would LOVE to do that!), Doulas, Midwives, The Bradley Method, and really just trusting your body and knowing that child birth is a very natural thing. Shoot, I don't even see anything wrong with a breech birth if the doctor is trained. Twins? Birth em!
Call me crazy… but writing about it like this, it is kind of like therapy for me. It helps me to write it all down. And Dr. Tilley told me that I better do my homework on this and not to come walking in the hospital in labor asking how I can have a VBAC. I’m just being obedient! ;) I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t go to the hospital that night? I wonder if everything would have been ok? And I wonder what things would be like now. I wonder if I would have had a strong opinion of birth if it had just “worked” for me the first time. I wish I had been around people I knew (we were in 3 places in PA from when we found out we were preggo to when we had her) so I never got to talk birth with anyone. I didn’t have a friend who was a “hippie”. I wish I had. I wonder if I would have listened though?
But I guess until the beginning of February, everyone will be reading about VBACs. So, if you don’t want to hear about it for the next 6 months… I’d just stay clear of this blog! ;) And hopefully after that, I will write all about my VBAC. And I will write every little detail. I love detailed birth stories. Not in a creepy way, but birth really is amazing. And I want a chance at it. I want to PUSH my kid out.
I wish I could spout out all of things things I have been reading. All of the statistics, all of the risks, but that would take a long time. One of the biggest shocks was that the uterine rupture rate is the SAME as the rate (percentage... chance...??) of having a miscarriage from an amniocentesis! So why is a VBAC such a big deal? Why do some women have to labor in the parking lot of the hospital, only going in when they are crowning so that there is no chance of being forced into a section?
And why don't the doctors go over the risks of a csection? And the greater risks of having repeat sections?! After just 1 section your chances of infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, placenta previa, accreta (which is really bad) go up. And it only increases with each section you have. Oh, and you have twice the chance of dying... Now can you see why I don't want another surgery? I want a big family. I want to be alive to raise my family. And I want to birth a child. I want that rush you get when your baby comes out. And I am determined to have things my way. And I'm determined to make people aware of all of this. I don't want other women to have to go through what I did.
I realize that I complain and talk about this a lot, but I feel it is important for everyone to know. And that a lot of women hide the hurt. They smile because they think that is what everyone expects them to do (I know I did). They do have a healthy baby after all. And everyone is alive. But most of those people have no idea what it is like. How confusing it is. One minute you are pregnant and rushed into a chaotic room, the next you can't feel anything, feel a ton of pressure and then there is a crying kid in the room all of the sudden. You didn't do any of the work... can that really be your baby? I know some women don't feel attached to their child at first. I started sobbing when I heard Abby's cry. It was more of a relief that she was alive, that she was breathing, but I didn't feel excited. It was scary and I was still worried. I hadn't even seen her. I didn't have a face to go with the cry. I loved her though. No denying that. But I came across this piece of artwork on a website and thought I needed to share it. It has everything to do with what I just wrote... Oh, and just a note, her smile is representative of the scar.
The title of this is: Smile, "you have a healthy baby!"
PS...can you tell I've been reading a book about births? The book, PUSHED, is really good. :)
Hello, my name is Sarah, and I am a birth hippie. :)
I think it has pretty much everything to do with my birth experience with Abby. Everything. And yes, I will now step onto my soap box... :)
I'm one of those csection mommas who is scarred (literally... ha!) from my birth experience. Seriously, it was traumatic for me. I remember the pain. The mental and physical pain. Both got better with time. It is true, the pain fades, but the experience doesn't disappear--it's always part of you. Or as an African Proverb says, "The axe forgets; the tree remembers". And I will always have that scar on my belly. I didn't know a lot of things before I had Abby. I knew I didn't want a csection. I wanted to push my baby out. Because that is how women are supposed to have babies. I felt like less of a woman. I even had a friend ask me how the birth went and when I told her I ended up with a "section" she just said, "Oh..." As in to say, "you wuss." Boo…
The mental recovery was, and still is, the hardest part. I honestly feel that I was robbed. I didn't give birth. Yes, I have had a child. But, she was surgically taken out of me. So, I have never really experienced labor, never gotten to 10cm (don’t know if I ever got to a 5!), never pushed, and never seen my kid fresh out of me and had that relief that I am sure every mother has when she first delivers her baby. The first time I saw Abby was on the screen on my digital camera. I could hear her crying, and I will hold on to that memory forever. I never got to see the umbilical cord or the placenta (don't worry, I don't want to eat it or anything). Call me crazy, but I want to see all of that! Abby didn't even have any cord left on her belly button! They clipped it off so close to her so I didn't even see a cord nub! And she didn't get to nurse right away. I didn't get to hold her until hours later. And I don't know how many hours because I was busy having bad reactions to everything and I was out of it...
I vaguely remember her first few hours, or, the first few hours I got to be with her. I got to see her for maybe a minute after she was born, and I couldn't touch her because I was pretty much paralyzed (remember I don't handle medicine very well) then she was whisked away for all of those newborn tests. Tony went with her, and I was alone. I missed the first couple hours of her life. I didn't get to try to nurse her until hours later. I have no clue if she was content or if she was crying. I barely remember first holding her. I was so drugged up and out of it. I don't remember much of the first time I nursed her either. But we did get that to work. I look back now and realize I should have been put on medication for depression. I was depressed. And it took a long time to heal from it. I hogged Abby after that first night. I didn't want anyone else to do anything with her. I wanted to do it all alone. I couldn't let her out of my sight. Looking back on all of that, I wonder if it was guilt or something from missing the first few hours of her life? I don't know. I'll never understand. But it lasted for a long time. I wouldn't let anyone watch her. I was glad I nursed because I was the only one who could feed her. Seriously, it was that bad.
Now, about the scar… I was lucky enough to just be glued shut (GLUED shut?!) so no staple hole scars for me, but I was one of the "lucky" ones to have a scar that is over 7 inches long. Yes, SEVEN inches LONG! Other women have a scar about the length of their pointer finger. Luuuckyyyy. I don't know if it was because they had to get her out of there pretty quick because it became an emergency when they couldn't find her heartbeat... or if that is just the way my doctor did it. Well, he wasn't MY doctor. He was the doctor on call who came in my room 30 minutes before I got rolled to the ER. And he never even came to check on me when I was recovering. Weird, right? Although, I guess my midwife came in to check on me and take the horrible tape off of my belly. She was really mad at how much tape they put on me. And it was extremely painful when she took it off. I didn't even want to look when she took it off. I'm not sure when I first looked. I hate being drugged up.
So, I am a believer in unmedicated, natural birth (no inductions because you are "done" with being pregnant...), home birth--yes, I said it! Now, obviously I think it is much safer if you have a midwife there with you who knows what she is doing, water birth (oh, how I would LOVE to do that!), Doulas, Midwives, The Bradley Method, and really just trusting your body and knowing that child birth is a very natural thing. Shoot, I don't even see anything wrong with a breech birth if the doctor is trained. Twins? Birth em!
Call me crazy… but writing about it like this, it is kind of like therapy for me. It helps me to write it all down. And Dr. Tilley told me that I better do my homework on this and not to come walking in the hospital in labor asking how I can have a VBAC. I’m just being obedient! ;) I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t go to the hospital that night? I wonder if everything would have been ok? And I wonder what things would be like now. I wonder if I would have had a strong opinion of birth if it had just “worked” for me the first time. I wish I had been around people I knew (we were in 3 places in PA from when we found out we were preggo to when we had her) so I never got to talk birth with anyone. I didn’t have a friend who was a “hippie”. I wish I had. I wonder if I would have listened though?
But I guess until the beginning of February, everyone will be reading about VBACs. So, if you don’t want to hear about it for the next 6 months… I’d just stay clear of this blog! ;) And hopefully after that, I will write all about my VBAC. And I will write every little detail. I love detailed birth stories. Not in a creepy way, but birth really is amazing. And I want a chance at it. I want to PUSH my kid out.
I wish I could spout out all of things things I have been reading. All of the statistics, all of the risks, but that would take a long time. One of the biggest shocks was that the uterine rupture rate is the SAME as the rate (percentage... chance...??) of having a miscarriage from an amniocentesis! So why is a VBAC such a big deal? Why do some women have to labor in the parking lot of the hospital, only going in when they are crowning so that there is no chance of being forced into a section?
And why don't the doctors go over the risks of a csection? And the greater risks of having repeat sections?! After just 1 section your chances of infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, placenta previa, accreta (which is really bad) go up. And it only increases with each section you have. Oh, and you have twice the chance of dying... Now can you see why I don't want another surgery? I want a big family. I want to be alive to raise my family. And I want to birth a child. I want that rush you get when your baby comes out. And I am determined to have things my way. And I'm determined to make people aware of all of this. I don't want other women to have to go through what I did.
I realize that I complain and talk about this a lot, but I feel it is important for everyone to know. And that a lot of women hide the hurt. They smile because they think that is what everyone expects them to do (I know I did). They do have a healthy baby after all. And everyone is alive. But most of those people have no idea what it is like. How confusing it is. One minute you are pregnant and rushed into a chaotic room, the next you can't feel anything, feel a ton of pressure and then there is a crying kid in the room all of the sudden. You didn't do any of the work... can that really be your baby? I know some women don't feel attached to their child at first. I started sobbing when I heard Abby's cry. It was more of a relief that she was alive, that she was breathing, but I didn't feel excited. It was scary and I was still worried. I hadn't even seen her. I didn't have a face to go with the cry. I loved her though. No denying that. But I came across this piece of artwork on a website and thought I needed to share it. It has everything to do with what I just wrote... Oh, and just a note, her smile is representative of the scar.
PS...can you tell I've been reading a book about births? The book, PUSHED, is really good. :)
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Joshua
I got to photograph a cute little boy named Joshua. It was my first referral, which was exciting! And it was too bad it happened when my "all day sickness" was at its worst, but we got some cute ones.
And who doesn't like cute baby buns?!
And who doesn't like cute baby buns?!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Heravi Family
I'm really slow at posting this. Like a month or so late! But I figured I would still post these. :) I loved the kids outfits! And, if you look carefully, you can tell there was a bad storm rolling in. It was a short shoot, and we just beat the storm!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Everett
I FINALLY finished all of his pictures. I was so excited to do this shoot because I was going to get to use my froggy hat that a friend made for me! Everett was an excellent sleeper at first. Except when I tried to touch him, he didn't want anything to do with that... Enjoy!
My favorite:
The guys all have the middle name Alvin. I loved that they had this shirt for Everett.
This is kind of how Everett felt about everything...
My favorite:
The guys all have the middle name Alvin. I loved that they had this shirt for Everett.
This is kind of how Everett felt about everything...
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Not to Offend Anyone, but...
I thought this was HILARIOUS!
I know, I know... go ahead and say it is inappropriate, but if you look at it that way, then it is true! Just sayin'...
I know, I know... go ahead and say it is inappropriate, but if you look at it that way, then it is true! Just sayin'...
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Up On the Soapbox
Yup... it is that time again. April is Cesarean Awareness Month! While a lot of people don't care... I do. Anyone who has ever talked to me about my birth experience or how I now view birth, knows how important this is to me. What it partly comes down to is... I want my next baby to come out the way that it is supposed to! I have dreamed about it since I was a little girl! I used to shove a baby doll up my shirt and have a pretend delivery. I've always been obsessed with babies and birth. And now that I look back, I don't know why I was so stupid and trusting of the doctors I had. Why the heck did I even go to the hospital that night... it wasn't really quite time yet (oh yeah... first time mom excited to meet her baby...) and why did I let them admit me when I was 5 cm dilated, but my contractions had COMPLETELY stopped?! (oh yeah... I just wanted to meet my baby...) And why... oh WHY did I let them break my water?! And talk me into going ahead and getting my epidural... even though I was in NO. PAIN. AT. ALL. Let's not even talk about them starting me on pitocin like it was something natural to do...*sigh* I hadn't really been prepared. I didn't even get to take a childbirth class because they were all full. I didn't know anything about the Bradley Method, or that you don't have to be a crazy tree hugger to give birth without meds! ;) I really honestly had no clue. And now, I wish I had known.
If you ever plan on having kids... educate yourself! It isn't just a simple thing where you get pregnant, you go to the hospital, pop your baby out and live happily ever after. (ok, maybe there are a few...) but so much can go wrong! ESPECIALLY if things don't go naturally. DO watch The Business of Being Born. Read birth books, talk to other people, hire a doula, use a midwife if you can, make sure your doctor is REALLY on board (ask for their cesarean rate if you want!), and take a good birthing class (like the Bradley Method). Oh yeah, and make sure you have a support system--family and friends. Make sure your hubby feels the same way you do, because I'm pretty sure it would be really hard to do alone...
When I get pregnant again I will re-watch The Business of Being Born, talk to my friends who have had a VBAC and/or a non medicated birth, take the Bradley Class, and hire a Doula. No options for a midwife down here! :( AND... you better believe I will fight the OB's rules for VBAC. I'm sorry, but being about 5'0 should NOT exclude me from giving birth to a child. What a load of bull.
Besides just wanting my baby to come out the "right" and natural way, I want that whole experience. Remember me and the doll story? Well... I've always wanted to have my baby and then have the baby put on my chest. Then we would get a family picture. And you know, if all I get next time is the baby coming out of the right place, that is more than good enough for me! Because I want to give birth the safer way. And more often than not, a VBAC is much more safe. And I want a lot of kids. I want at least 4. That is a lot of slicing open if you ask me... And I want to be able to take care of a newborn baby AND Abby after I have another baby. I don't want to be recovering from a MAJOR SURGERY. I want to be able to move and I really, really, really want that experience. Yes... I am one of those csection mommas who feels like I really did miss out on something when I had Abby. No, I do not love Abby any less, never have, but I hated my birth experience. Yes, they are completely different. I nursed Abby like I planned and I loved it. In fact, it was the ONLY thing (besides getting a baby) that I got my way.
Anyways, I could go on for DAYS about this, but I won't. :) But I will leave you with this little fact:
In 2009, 32.9% of Births Resulted In Major Abdominal Surgery; 13th Consecutive Year to Show Increase. I read that on ICAN's website. Sad. Sad. Sad.
So here's to my VBAC journey... whenever I get to begin it... (yes, I'm whining now...) Here's to giving birth to a child, the natural way... And here's to trying to have patience to begin this journey... And being patient at the end so I can get what I want.
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