Tuesday, February 22, 2011

"Time heals what reason cannot"

A month ago I had a miscarriage. I know... what am I doing posting about this?! There is some unwritten rule about keeping it a secret when you are trying for a baby... or when you first get pregnant... or when you have a miscarriage. Well, I suck at keeping those secrets when it is about me.

I didn't know if I would ever publish it to my blog... and I decided I would only post it on this blog... and not include all of the details. I just wanted to remember how I felt when it happened. For me. It helped me to talk about it. It helped me to write it all down. I know miscarriages are common, not fair (not fair at all)... but they are common. That doesn't make it any easier though. It still hurts... a lot. And you go through a lot of emotions: fear, anger, disappointment, self blame... But you also really understand the blessing of having a child. Because when you lose one... or the chance of having one, it makes the child you already have and the children you hope to have someday that much more special. 

After I found out I was pregnant I was nothing but happy. I was so excited to get to be a mom again. And I didn't really think about the fact that something could still happen... although it did start to cross my mind the week that it happened. I've had a couple friends have miscarriages... and I was thinking that I was just starting to be paranoid. So I brushed it off, until I started bleeding... and then I panicked. And I knew right then, that it was all over...

I didn't know what to do other than cry. I knew my baby was gone... and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I was scared. I couldn't believe it. One minute I was pregnant, the next I wasn't. It was a horrible feeling. The most helpless feeling. I felt like I failed the baby, but I also knew it wasn't my fault... I was devastated and all I could do was cry. I was mad. I was sad. And I was really disappointed... because I want another kid SO. BAD. 

When I was getting some tests done at the hospital I asked if they could tell me what they saw. The tech said that only a doctor could tell me. Ugh... I just wanted her to tell me what I knew... because I knew she knew too... And when I finally got the answer, even though I already knew it, it hurt all over again hearing it...

My baby was gone. I couldn't believe that a few weeks ago I had been so excited that I was FINALLY pregnant. Abby was finally going to be a big sister and have a sibling. But not anymore. I was right back where I started... only worse. I tried to think of it as just being another negative pregnancy test, but it didn't come close to feeling like that. Because I DID get a positive test and I WAS pregnant.

I was a mess, but I had the support of my family and the support of some good friends. Not that they could do anything. Not that they needed to do anything. It was just nice to know they were there.

Then... it turned out that after the physical reminder of the miscarriage was gone, it got harder for some reason... I think it was because I now had to deal with it emotionally. I was dealing with it emotionally for the first week, believe me... I cried a lot. But now the physical signs of it were over... and I was left with nothing but my emotions. Distractions helped. A lot. I tried to get out as much as possible and tried to keep myself busy. Being around people helped stop me from becoming depressed. It is just a horrible feeling to have lost something you wanted so badly. Something you get attached to and love before it is ever really anything...

I know you are given what you can handle... I never thought I could handle this. And I'm not saying I handled it well either... because there were A. LOT. of tears. BUT I made it through and I am grateful it happened when it did. Early on. I can't imagine the mess I would be if it were later...

And I know soon (hopefully really soon) I won't feel like this anymore. I know it will get easier, it already is. I know we can have babies. I have a beautiful little girl to prove that. And like a friend told me: Things will happen the way you want them to. Maybe not in the time you want them to, but it will happen.

So now I wait. And hopefully I don't have to wait long. :)

1 comment:

  1. Oh I just read this and I cried! I am so sorry you had to go through one these trials. Nobody knows what it feels to loose a baby until you do. I am hoping that soon you will be posting about a bundle of joy joining your family!