A friend let me borrow a book that helped her through a situation much like mine. It was awesome. I loved it. And I love this quote from it:
"In all adversity, there are lessons to be learned which can strengthen and enhance our lives, if we can only overcome the initial pain."
Maybe I like it so much because it applies to me right now. But it really does apply to everyone. Everyone has struggles, hard times, adversity. It sucks, but we DO learn from them and we are made better people through them.
I know now that I can help another woman through something like this. Even though every situation is different, I know what it feels like. I know the pain, the hurt, the anger, the mess of emotions that you will become. Nobody knows better than somebody who has been through it. And when you go through something like this, you need friends. People to tell you that you aren't crazy. That you will feel normal again someday. That it is ok to cry--it helps you heal. And that when you feel like you are over it, your world may come crashing down on you again. Random things may set you off. Things completely unrelated. But if you have supportive (and patient) family and friends... it helps. Some days you won't even think about it much. Other days you will be sad for no reason.
Anyways, I know I can now help on a different level if a friend ever goes through this. Not that you have to have this happen to qualify to help (not all my friends have), but I will know how she feels. I will cry right along with her. I'll hug her and tell her... I know. Because, unfortunately, I do know. And sometimes not much more needs to be said then just that... or a hug.
So these are the lessons I have learned: A deeper level of understanding to those who have lost a baby. A new appreciation for exactly how much of a blessing and miracle children are. Compassion. It takes time to heal. And that it is ok to cry. And that writing and talking about how I feel really does help... even though I feel bad for a few friends who have seen me be emotional for the past... 2 months?? But I guess if I were in their shoes, I would totally be ok with them crying. Especially since I now know what it is like.
But don't worry... I'm not going off the deep end in a depression or anything. It just took me a while to realize that I am still healing... and that it is ok to still be healing.